saone: (;P)
[personal profile] saone
Title: No Assembly Required
Author: [livejournal.com profile] saone77
Pairing: Clint/Coulson
Summary: Clint's done a lot of weird things in his life, but looking down at a tiny, plastic version of himself might just be the weirdest.
Word Count: 1139
Rating: PG-13
Warnings: Not betad, grammarians beware.
Disclaimer: This is indulgent, cracktastic fiction.
Notes: One of my favorite parts of the Agents of SHIELD trailer, besides the obvious - COULSON - of course, is the scene about 17 seconds in with the Avengers action figures. So many fanboy!Phil bunnies, so little time...

AO3






Clint can't help but grimace as he looks at the tiny, painted plastic figure on the table in front of him. He cuts his gaze over to Natasha. She seems as disgruntled as he is about their situation.

"Hey, Nat?"

"Mmmm."

"You know how we've seen a lot of weird shit in the years that we've worked for SHIELD?"

"Mmmhmm."

"I think this might be the weirdest."

"I think you might be right." She frowns. "These are marketed to children, yes? Why is the zipper of my uniform down so low?" She looks at Clint and raises one eyebrow, obviously expecting him to know the answer.

"Uh..." Clint's saved from having to half-ass an explanation thanks to the opening notes of Secret Agent Man coming from the front pocket of his jeans. He shrugs at Natasha and takes out his phone.

"I'm looking at myself," he says in lieu of a standard greeting.

There's a moment of silence, then Phil says, as calm as ever, "Is this a doppelganger from a mirror universe situation, or is it your average cloning experiment gone awry?"

"Neither. One of Stark's people just delivered our action figure prototypes. I'm supposed to either approve the likeness or make notes on what I think needs to be changed." Clint peers closer at the figure. "It's really uncanny. I mean, it's a mini, fully poseable version of me. They even got my resting face right. And my nose. Jeez. And it's got my shooting glove, and arm guard, and it comes with a plastic bow and a snap-on quiver. And it's..." Clint pauses as hears a tiny, almost imperceptible sound that, had it come out of anyone but Phil Coulson, would have been classified as a whimper. "You have an boner right now, don't you, Phil?"

Natasha, who's coloring in the chest of her figure with a Sharpie she procured from somewhere, snorts. Loudly.

"Of course not," Phil says. "That would be absurd. And wrong. And kind of creepy."

"Yes," Clint says, nodding, "you are all of those things."

"Clint-"

"You're totally going to buy one of these when they come out, aren't you. No, wait, you're gonna buy two, and you're going to keep one mint in the box and take the other one out so you can do nasty and inappropriate things with it that will probably chip the paint." Clint ducks as the cap to Natasha's marker comes flying at his head. He gives her the finger. She crosses her eyes and pretends to vomit.

"Well," Phil says, "since the real deal will be sleeping on the couch for the foreseeable future, I suppose I'm going to have to get my Hawkeye fix somehow, won't I?"

Clint can't help but grin at the completely empty threat. "Aw, baby, don't be like that. Treat me nice, and I'll hook you up with as many Avenging Archer stickers as your Trapper Keeper can hold."

"Avenging Archer? Dear God."

"I kind of like it."

"You would," Phil and Nat say at the same time.

Clint scowls at both his partner and his phone. "Screw the both of you. Seriously." This time Nat throws the marker at him.

"Whatever," she says, standing up and raising her arms above her head in a stretch. "I'm bored. Tell Stark's flunky that if there is even the slightest hint of cleavage on my doll, I'll make him eat it." She blinks. "The doll, not my cleavage."

"Uh," Clint says, "I think the correct term is action figure, not doll."

"Are you trying to turn me on, Barton?" Phil says in his ear as Nat lets out a harsh cough that sounds suspiciously like the word nerd.

Clint sticks his tongue out at Nat as she leaves the room, then grins and picks up the mini him. "If I wanted to turn you on, I'd start talking about my trading cards."

"You're going to have trading cards?"

"Yep. And there was something about a bobble head, and a video game, and a bowmen statue, and-"

"Bowen?"

"Bowen, that's it. Ohhh, and the-"

"Bowen Designs is going to make a statue out of you?! Uh... I mean, Bowen Designs is going to make a statue out of you. How interesting."

Clint blinks a few times. "Yeah, but it's not like a real statue, like for a park or something. With all the measurements they want to take it's going to be pretty realis-" Clint cuts himself off as a noise he's never heard before comes through his phone's speaker. "Are you okay?"

"Yes. I'm fine. Thank you."

"Are you sure?"

"Yes. Thank you. I'm fine."

Clint can't help the wide smirk that comes over his face. "Oh, my God, Phil. I was joking before, but are you actually hard right now?"

"No," Phil says, with the tiniest, barely discernible hint of desperation in his voice.

Clint, who's fairly certain that he will be sleeping on the couch if he starts to laugh, quickly drops his not-a-doll and reaches down to the inside of his right thigh, pinching as much flesh as he can through his jeans. "I totally believe you."

"I appreciate that," Phil says.

"Want to hear the best part?"

"About you believing me?"

"Uh, no, about your boyfriend being a marketable superhero."

"You mean, there's something better than trading cards and stickers? I don't know if I'm up for that. And, no," Phil says quickly, "that wasn't a dick joke."

Clint pinches his thigh again, but he can't stop the snicker that comes out.

"You have the mentality of a twelve year-old. Also, shut up."

Clint clears his throat. "So, come on, ask me about the best part."

Phil sighs. "Fine. What's the best part?"

"I have one word for you, Phil..." Clint lets the pause drag out for both drama and annoyance.

"Clint, I swear-"

"Lego," Clint says smugly.

"You're... You're going to be a Lego figure?"

"Yep."

"My God."

"Yep."

"That's the coolest thing I've ever heard."

"Yep."

"I think we're going to have to stop having sex."

"Ye... What? Wait, what?!"

"Children are going to be playing with your likeness," Phil says. "Defiling you from here on out would be wrong and sordid."

"Uh, no. Defiling me is always awesome and awesome." Clint snorts and flicks at his figure's head. "Whatever. See if I smuggle mini me out of here for you now."

"Were you really going to do that?" Phil asks, sounding touched.

"Of course," Clint scoffs. "I was gonna stick him down my pants."

Phil chokes. "You're an awful person."

"But, I'm an amazing boyfriend."

"You do have your moments."

"Hey, Phil?"

"Yes?"

"Are you really gonna do nasty and inappropriate things to my action figure?"

"Not as long as I can do nasty and inappropriate things to the real version."

Clint grins. "Awesome."


Date: 2013-05-20 09:03 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] daria234.livejournal.com
In Clint's words, awesome. This was so hilarious. Favorite lines:

"Is this a doppelganger from a mirror universe situation, or is it your average cloning experiment gone awry?"

"Yes," Clint says, nodding, "you are all of those things."

Tell Stark's flunky that if there is even the slightest hint of cleavage on my doll, I'll make him eat it." She blinks. "The doll, not my cleavage."

"Are you trying to turn me on, Barton?" Phil says in his ear as Nat lets out a harsh cough that sounds suspiciously like the word nerd.

Date: 2013-05-21 04:27 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] saone77.livejournal.com
Thank you! :D

Date: 2013-05-21 04:45 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] gypsyluv.livejournal.com
total and complete AWESOMENESS! LOVE every word! thank you! And now i want my own hawkeye "doll" to defile! :)

Date: 2013-05-21 04:32 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] saone77.livejournal.com
Thank you! :D

I have a Hawkeye figure, but I haven't done anything to defile it. Yet. If I can get my paws on one of those Phil Coulson figures, all bets are off. ;D

Date: 2013-05-21 07:40 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] gypsyluv.livejournal.com
The things a girl could do with them both... *big sighs*

Date: 2013-05-21 06:11 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] xcziel.livejournal.com
BEST! OH MY GOD BEST THING! BEST-EST!

*snickers uncontrollably*

Date: 2013-05-21 04:33 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] saone77.livejournal.com
Hee! Thank you! :D

Date: 2013-05-22 02:50 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] gemini8.livejournal.com
You are brilliant. I will smile all day. :)

Date: 2013-05-26 09:31 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] saone77.livejournal.com
Thank you! :D

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