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saoneTitle: It's the Most Wonderful Time of the Year
Author:![[livejournal.com profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/external/lj-userinfo.gif)
saone77
Summary: AU. It’s Black Friday, the biggest shopping day of the year, and Jensen has been given an almost impossible task: find the hottest toy of the holiday season for his nephew, or face his sister-in-law’s wrath. Unfortunately, there's a big, hazel-eyed obstacle in the way.
Pairing: J2
Rating: PG-13
Warnings: Not betad, grammarians beware. Fictionalization of families. Slight, accidental, madcap violence.
Word Count: 6246
Disclaimer: This is indulgent, cracktastic fiction.
“There comes a time in every person’s life when he or she must put aside their physical comforts and petty desires for the good of their family. This is one of those times. I know a lot is being asked of you. You’re going to be cold, exhausted, and you’ll probably have to fight tooth and nail to accomplish your objective. On the table in front of you you’ll find your dossiers. Each file contains directions to your target location and a picture and description of the item you’re looking for. The quest begins at oh-two-hundred, and remember, failure is not an option.”
After a moment spent sharing bewildered looks with the rest of his family, Jensen leaned across the dining room table and stage whispered to his brother, “dude, I think your wife’s cracked.”
“Cracked?” Allison said shrilly, her general-like demeanor lost in the face of her brother-in-law’s insubordination. From her place at the head of the table she glared at Jensen, a touch of mania in her eyes. “Cracked? Is it cracked to want to give my only child the one thing he wants most for Christmas? The one thing he’s been talking about non-stop ever since he saw the first ad for it four weeks ago? The thing he hasn’t shut up about?! Is that cracked?!”
Josh, along with his parents, and two younger siblings, winced. “Of course not, sweetheart,” Josh said, “that’s just being a good parent. You’re being a very good parent.”
“Don’t patronize me, Joshua Ackles!”
“All right,” Donna said firmly. “Let’s all calm down a bit, and remember where we are, and remember the nice holiday dinner we just had, and most importantly, remember the little prying ears that are in the living room.”
Allie shook her head. “I put one of Max's DVDs on. He should be nice and zoned by now.”
Jensen opened his mouth, ready to sarcastically parrot his brother’s ‘good parent’ comment, when he was kicked in both shins. He gave wounded looks to his mother on his right and his sister on his left, before deflating into his chair in a huff.
“That’s nice, dear,” Donna said to Allie. “I do love the presentation folders you’ve given us. Were these professionally bound?” She held up one of the quarter inch thick files which, so far, none of the family members had been brave enough to open.
“Office Max,” Allie said. “I thought a professional looking touch would inspire professional like behavior.” She glared at Jensen again. “I guess I was wrong.”
Jensen, hoping his question would not result in further injury asked, “why would we need to be professional to go toy shopping?”
“It’s not just toy shopping,” Allie said derisively, “it’s shopping on Black Friday for a specific toy. A limited edition toy.”
“Limited edition?” Mackenzie spoke up, her eyes widening. She opened her folder and began perusing the contents. “Captain Awesome of the Awesome Rangers? Doesn’t Max already have, like, a dozen Captain Awesome toys?”
Allie sighed. “Two dozen. But those are the old Captain Awesome toys. This is the new Captain Awesome toy. The super, deluxe, limited edition, twelve inch, star-spangled, Captain Awesome toy.”
Alan, who had also kept quiet, and - if past post-turkey Thanksgiving Days were anything to go by - probably just wanted to escape to his den with a glass of bourbon and a football game, said hopefully, “Do we really need to go to such a fuss? Why don’t you just order the thing online?”
“They don’t go on sale until Friday,” Mack answered for Allie. She placed her finger on one the pages of her document. “It says here that the makers of Captain Awesome signed an exclusive deal with Target. The toys will only be carried in their brick and mortar stores.” She paused and frowned. “At least until the toy scalpers get them.”
Jensen raised an eyebrow. “Toy scalpers?”
Allie scowled. “They’re these horrible people that buy up all the limited edition or hard to find toys they can at regular price, and then put them in online auctions and start the bidding at some huge amount.” She crossed her arms over her chest. “We’ve been lucky in that, until now, Max’s only wanted simple, easy to find things; but the other parents in his playgroup have stories that would curl your hair.” She shook her head. “I am not going to pay a couple hundred dollars for some over-hyped piece of plastic, not when - if we all work together - we have a good chance of getting one in the store. Now,” Allie stood up, “I’m going to go check on my son, because I am a good parent, and then I’m going to take a nap. I suggest you all do the same.”
Jensen watched her leave the room. He heaved a great sigh and turned back to his family. “Yikes.”
Josh was staring straight ahead, a rather vacant look on his face. “I’m thinking about going gay. It’s not that bad, right?”
Jensen shrugged. “You have to put guys’ dicks in your mouth.”
Josh shuddered, then looked at his wife’s professionally bound, toy-hunting folder. “Well-”
“Joshua, you’re not going gay,” Donna said. She got up and retrieved a bottle of whiskey and several glasses from the liquor cabinet. “Jensen, don’t use the word 'dick' at the dining room table.”
“Or never,” Alan said, pouring himself two fingers of the pungent liquid. “Never using that word is good.”
"Hey! "Mackenzie tapped her fingers on her folder and glared in the direction of the living room. "Do you know who didn't get one of these? Allie!"
"I think she's planning on staying here with Max," Josh said. "Thank God."
"That's so not fair," Mackenzie said. "Why doesn't she go out and look for her stupid toy and let mom and dad stay here and babysit?"
"Here, here." Alan raised his glass. "You were always my favorite, Mack."
"Thank you, daddy," Mackenzie said. "I mean, you and mom are so old. You two shouldn't be out in the pre-dawn cold."
"Oooh, favoritism won and lost within the space of a minute," Jensen said. "That's got to be a new record. And as much as I dearly love my two parents..." He beamed at Alan and Donna expectantly.
Alan shook his head. "You mentioned dick at the table, no favored status for you."
Jensen scowled. "Whatever. Allie should still be the one to stay home. Think about it, do you really want her to be around civilians in her present state? We'd have to pool all our Christmas money for her bail. And then there's the cost of lawyers, the trial, the appeals. No, it's better that she stay at home."
"You make a very good point," Donna said.
"Am I your favorite, Mom?" Jensen asked, batting his lashes.
"You're in the top three, sweetheart." Donna threw back the rest of her drink. "All right, finish up, and then I suggest we hit the sack. Two a.m. is gonna come around mighty early."
_____________
"I gotta say, Jens, Allie might be nuts, but she is organized."
Jensen rolled his eyes at Danneel and burrowed further into the collar of his coat. "Yeah, sanity's overrated, but as long as someone can make a spreadsheet they're golden."
There were four Targets spread out over the major, metropolitan area, and each Ackles (Alan and Donna were working as a pair) had been assigned a separate store. Jensen's was the western store, twenty minutes from his parents' house on the highway. Realizing this whole insane plan would be slightly more bearable with someone to accompany him Jensen had called the one person he knew who might be willing to venture out into the oncoming retail madness.
"I'm just saying..." Danneel checked her watch and craned her neck trying to see past the massive line of people to the front of the store. "C'mon, momma's got some shoes to buy."
"Did you just refer to yourself as 'momma'?" Jensen asked. "I'm beginning to regret inviting you along."
"Please," Danneel said. "You begged me to come. You said, and I'm quoting here, 'Please, Danni, don't make me face this horror on my own, I'll feel so stupid, and pathetic."
"I never used the words stupid or pathetic."
"They were implied. Besides, it's too late to get rid of me now, I have a plan." Danneel reached into one of the pockets of her puffy parka and pulled out a sheaf of papers. "I stayed up all night compiling sales and checking coupons; I'm running on caffeine and the lure of fifty percent off fashion boots. After we leave here we're going to Macy's. After Macy's we're going to Kohls. After Kohls we're going to the mall. After the mall we're-"
"Taking a much needed nap?"
Danneel reached up to pat Jensen's cheek. "You're so cute. We'll sleep when we're dead. Or, when your trunk can't hold any more bags."
"I thought you agreed to come with me to provide moral support."
"Again, so cute." A commotion near the front of the line made Danneel grab Jensen's arm. "It's moving! We're moving! Sales, here I come!"
Jensen let himself be dragged along in the sudden surge of people crushing through the four propped open double doors. Once inside the store he and Danneel were separated almost immediately.
"I'll be in the shoes," Danneel called out. "Or the accessories. Or the sweaters. Or the-"
Jensen watched her dark red head get swallowed by a sea of other determined consumers tromping off to do battle over things that would be out of style in few months. He sent a silent prayer, hoping that wouldn't be the last he saw of his friend, and turned to his right, ready to fight his way to the back of the store where the toys were. Between dodging the hardcore shoppers, avoiding stepping on the odd, unrestrained toddler, and getting stuck behind a group of dreaded old people by the time Jensen made his way to the toy department the Captain Awesome display had already been decimated.
Jensen sighed in disgust, sure that the empty shelves were silently mocking him. He briefly considered pulling out his cell and checking in with the rest of his family, but then decided that ignorance was bliss.
He guessed there was nothing left to do but find Danneel and act as her human pack mule until all the things she wanted were gone, or she passed out from exhaustion. At least they'd be able to bitch to each other. He started to make his way to the woman's department when, out of the corner of his eye, he saw a familiar box. Against the far wall, crammed onto a shelf with outdated, discount Bratz dolls, was a super, deluxe, limited edition, twelve inch, star-spangled, Captain Awesome.
For a moment Jensen was completely frozen, not able to believe his eyes and the strange feeling of hope bubbling in his chest. He snapped out of it quickly though, and furtively glanced around at his fellow shoppers, wondering if he had it in him to clothesline someone for an child's toy. A middle aged soccer mom by the My Little Ponys, was looking about as shifty as Jensen. Her eyes flickered between Jensen and Captain Awesome, then they narrowed.
Throwing decorum - and his self worth - to the wind, Jensen sprinted across the main aisle. He risked a look back and saw the soccer mom had somehow gotten tangled with a tandem stroller. Jensen grinned. Victory was within his grasp; all he had to do was reach out and take it. Nothing could stop him now.
Except a giant fist flying towards his face...
___________
He would never tell his momma, but Jensen had had some experience with being knocked out. One doesn’t stay friends with Christian Kane without participating in at least two or three bar brawls, and the last one had been a doozy. Normally, Jensen could handle himself just fine, but knowing how to take a punch doesn't do jack if someone clocks you upside the head with a beer bottle. When Jensen had come to it had been to the worried faces of Steve and Aldis, and the sounds of an angry Oklahoman promising swift death to whoever had broken his pretty, little Jenny.
He almost blacked out again just to escape the embarrassment.
Coming out of this bout of unconsciousness felt different, though. Jensen was fairly certain he hadn’t been barhopping with Kane, the floor he was laying on wasn't sticky, and his head was being gently cradled against something firm and warm.
Also, the first thing he heard wasn't Kane's posturing, but a soft voice that was quietly murmuring “OhmyGodohmyGodohmyGod...” over and over again. And the first thing he felt wasn't mortification, it was an extreme, horrible discomfort centering around his nose. It felt hot, and big, and just wrong. His upper lip itched, and a cloying, metallic scent filled his nostrils.
Jensen licked his lips and scrunched his face at the taste of blood. A wave of agony radiated outward from his nose and across his cheekbones.
"Fuck," he said. Realization came rushing back, and Jensen opened his eyes to the bright, overhead fluorescents of Target's toy department. He tried to sit up, but a large hand gently pressed against his forehead keeping his head pinned to what Jensen was pretty sure was a strange man's thigh.
"Take it easy," the owner of the thigh said. "You were out for at least a couple minutes. I don't think you should move yet."
Jensen's eyes rolled in their sockets, trying to focus on the face attached to his denim pillow. From his pain-filled, upside down viewpoint all Jensen could make out was that the guy was young, with a mess of floppy brown hair and a stupidly concerned look on his face.
"My name's Jared. I, uh... I mean, I... See, what happened was..." He cleared his throat. "Anyway, someone's gone off to try and find the store's safety person, or a med kit, or something," the guy said. "You've stopped bleeding, so that's good."
"Wonderful," Jensen groaned. "At least I've accomplished something this... Wait a minute!" Jensen struggled in the strange guy - Jared's - grasp. "Get off me! Where's the-"
"Dude, careful!"
Jensen threw off the hand, and the concern, and sat up. His puffy eyes focused on the shelf that had been so close to his grasp, and the over-sized heads of four dozen clearance priced fashion dolls stared back at him.
"No. Nonononono. Where is it?" Jensen struggled to his feet, helped - to his chagrin - by large, warm hands under his elbows.
"Where's what?" Jared asked.
"Captain Awesome. I saw him. He was here. He was right here." Jensen futilely gestured towards the Bratz filled shelf. "Right here!" He glanced around wildly. It only took him a few seconds to spot the star-spangled box tucked securely under the arm of the soccer mom as she hurried away from the scene of the carnage. As if sensing she was being watched, the woman turned around and used both hands to give Jensen the double finger.
"Son of a bitch." Jensen resisted the sudden urge he had to do a run and tackle.
"Jeez," Jared said. "You'd think for someone who got the last super, deluxe, limited edition, twelve inch, star-spangled, Captain Awesome toy she'd be a little gracious."
"This is Black Friday," Jensen said, "I guess I should consider myself lucky she didn't try to shiv me while I was down." He looked at the rust colored stains on the front of his previously pristine pearl gray sweater. "Or maybe she saw the blood and figured I was already on my way out." He turned his attention back to Jared and got his first proper look at the larger man. A definite thrill of attraction rushed through Jensen as he took in the details of his former pillow. "Um, hi," he said, inwardly cringing at the breathy quality to his voice.
"Yeah, hi." Jared's really nice face was pulled into a frown. "Are you sure you should be standing? Who's the president? Are you seeing double? How many fingers am I holding up?"
"Whoa, easy there," Jensen said. "Take a breath, okay? I'm fine." At that moment Jensen's face throbbed reminding him of the falseness of that statement. "Or not. What the hell happened anyway?"
"Uh." Jared's gaze moved around, flitting on everything except Jensen's face.
"Dude, are you... Are you giving me shifty eyes?"
"No! Maybe." Jared seemed to loose a few inches as his whole body slumped down. "Yes. It was an accident, I swear."
"You did this?!"
"Accident!" Jared said again, waving his arms for emphasis and nearly taking out a Spider-Man display. "I was coming up the side aisle, and I saw the Captain Awesome box, and I was like 'victory is mine', you know, and I guess I kind of got tunnel vision because I didn't even see you, and I was reaching out to grab the box, and... my hand and your face kind of... ended up occupying the same space. And then you went down like a bowling pin, and I lost about ten years off my life." Jared wrung his hands together. "I've never hit anyone before. Ever."
Jensen sighed, his ire fading somewhat at the sight of Jared's obvious distress. He just wished the pain in his face could dissipate so quickly. "It's... It's okay," Jensen said, awkwardly patting Jared's shoulder.
"Really?" Jared asked, looking all pathetically hopeful and adorable.
"Yeah. I mean, it was an accident, right?"
"A total accident!"
"Well then..." Jensen shrugged. "You took care of me when I went down and didn't, like, step on me, or use my stomach as a springboard, or something. Besides, you lost out on Captain Awesome too."
"Yeah." Jared glanced back at the Bratz display. "Sucks."
Jensen rubbed at his forehead. What he wanted more than anything was to slink out of the store, go back to his apartment, lock the door, and try to ignore his family until Easter. Reality, however, was going to include dragging Danneel away from her bloodsport and spending who knows how long in the E.R. to make sure part of his nose cartilage wasn't accidentally shoved close to his brain. "It certainly does." He sighed and gave one last lingering look at his would-be attacker. "Thanks for, you know, not actually killing me. I'm just gonna..." He started to move away, but Jared grabbed his shoulder.
"Wait! You can't go," Jared said. "The guy with the med kit should be back any second. You really should-"
"Was the person you sent off an employee?"
"Yeah."
"Then the poor guy has probably been eaten alive. Or forced to work a register. I'm gonna go find my friend, and then go to the hospital."
"I'll come with," Jared said.
Luckily Jensen thought twice before he raised one of his eyebrows. "What? You don't-"
"I'm not just going to let you go wandering off alone in a crowded store."
It was taking a lot to keep that eyebrow under control. "I'm thirty-two. I think I can handle it."
"What if you black out again? Or someone bumps into you and jars your face? Or..." Jared shook his head. "No. I'm coming with you."
Jensen sighed. It was sort of sweet, he supposed. And he could put up with Jared's presence a bit longer - the guy was hot - as long as he kept complete control over all his limbs. "Fine," he said. "Though, as a head's up, we're heading to the clothing section."
Jared stood up straight, squared his shoulders, and in a deadly serious voice said, "I'll take point."
__________
With Jared's six and a half foot vantage, it was much easier than Jensen had expected to find Danneel.
"Hot red-head, two o'clock," Jared said.
Danneel was standing in front of an almost barren display of skinny jeans, clutching various things to her chest, and baring her teeth at a slightly shorter brunette. Jensen was loathe to interrupt her obvious show of dominance, but his face was throbbing more and more with each breath.
"Danni," he called out.
"Just a minute, Jensen." Danneel remained focused, but the brunette glanced over at them and her face blanched. "Nice try, sweetheart," she said, "but if you think I'm gonna fall for the whole 'there's something horrible behind you' routine you are sadly mis-"
"Danni, I need to go to the hospital," Jensen said, pain overriding any fear he might have normally felt at interrupting.
Danneel spun around. "Oh my God! What the hell happened to you?" Jensen felt an absurd twinge of warmth as she immediately abandoned the jeans and rushed to his side.
"It was an accident," Jared said, smiling wanly. "Hi."
"Accident?" Danneel's eyes flitted between Jensen's face and the blood on the back of Jared's knuckles. She took a threatening step forward. "Did you break my friend's face?!"
Jensen quickly maneuvered himself between the enraged Danneel and cowering Jared. "Easy. He's right; it was an accident. And he didn't break my face, but I do think my nose is busted, and I need an X-ray." He took a deep breath and tried to look as contrite as possible without actually changing his expression. "I'm sorry, Danni."
Danneel made a soft sound of discontentment as she patted the pocket that Jensen knew held her carefully compiled list of sales. "But, but, Macy's."
Jensen pursed his lips at the pitiful note in her voice. "I know. Maybe it won't take that long at the E.R. Maybe we'll be in and out, and you can get back to your itinerary."
"The timetable will be ruined," she said, her eyes distant. She lifted her chin and gave him a watery smile. "There's always next year, right?"
Never let it be said that Jensen wasn't a complete sucker. He reached up to rub the bridge of his nose but remembered in the nick of time that that would have been a very bad idea. “It’s okay,” he said, “I can manage.”
“Manage what?” Jared asked, looking between Jensen and Danneel.
“Really?” Danneel was biting her lip and Jensen could tell she was trying very hard not to look pathetically grateful. “Are you sure?"
“Yeah, I’m sure.”
“Sure about what?” Jared had a slight frown on his face.
“Oh, Jens,” Danneel made an abortive move towards him. “I’d hug you, but you’re all bloody."
"Yeah, yeah, yeah," Jensen said. "Can you at least drive me to the hospital? And then you can take my car; I'm pretty sure I can get Mack or Josh to pick me up." He really wasn't looking forward to that conversation.
"'Course. Just let me check out and then-"
"Hold up." Jared said. "You're just gonna drop him off at the hospital? So you can go shopping?!"
Danneel's eyes narrowed. “Are you really judging me, person who injured Jensen in the first place?”
“Maybe I am," Jared said, crossing his arms over his chest. "I certainly wouldn't leave my boyfriend to fend for himself after being-"
"He's not my-"
"I'm not her-"
"Oh." Jared grinned a little bit. "Really? Huh. Um, whatever, you still should stay with him, just in case."
"Why don't you go with him," Danneel said suddenly.
"What?"
"Pardon?"
She shrugged. "You did this to him," she said to Jared, "you take care of him."
Jensen shook his head. "I really don't think-"
"Okay." Jared nodded decisively. "We'll take my truck."
"No, we won't. I'm not going with you." Jensen turned to Danneel. "I'm not going with him."
"Why not?" Jared looked almost wounded.
Jensen sighed. While he knew that what had happened was an accident he really wasn't too keen on spending more time with the guy who had caused it, regardless of how attractive and adorable he might be. Jensen felt his fuse, already shortened by the ungodly hour and absurdity of his quest, shrink just a little bit more. “Because..." He didn't exactly want to say 'I don't want to be around you when I loose my shit', besides, there was another prefectly valid reason. "I’m not just going to get in some strange guy’s car.”
"Valid point," Jared said, digging his wallet out of his back pocket. He rummaged through it for a moment before extracting various cards that he held out to Danneel, "Here, my Social Security Card, my Voter Registration Card, my library card, a VISA, and my list of contact numbers." He turned to Jensen. "Now I'm totally track-down-able. I'm still working on, like, an epic level of guilt here, man. Let me take care of you. Please."
Jensen knew, facing down two vastly different - but still incredibly effective - versions of the 'puppy face', that the battle was lost. "Fine," he said grudgingly.
"Yay!" Danneel clutched her bounty to her chest and jumped up and down a few times. "Macy's, here I come!" She leaned in to kiss Jensen's cheek, then cringed and smooched the air beside him instead. "Love you! Not your blood, though. Nasty. Ew." She then spun around and poked Jared in the chest, hard. "You, take care of him. Got it?" Without waiting for an answer she took off, dodging other shoppers with an agility and grace that the Cowboy's latest QB wish he had.
"So," Jared said, watching her disappear into the crowd, "not your girlfriend, huh?"
At least it didn't hurt when Jensen rolled his eyes.
_____________
Jensen slowly pushed through the double doors that led to the E.R. waiting room, his release papers and a shiny prescription for Vicodin clutched in his right hand. Jared was by his side before the doors had a chance to swing shut.
“Hey, what’s the word?” he asked anxiously.
Jensen bit back a sigh of irritation. After waiting for nearly two hours just to be poked and prodded and proclaimed 'deeply bruised' by someone who looked like he had barely gotten out of kindergarten, let alone med school, he wasn't exactly up for civil discourse. Especially not with the ever-cheerful instigator of the whole mess.
“If the swelling doesn’t go down in a couple days I need to come back and have an x-ray, but the doc’s pretty sure it’s just bruised,” Jensen said. He tugged at Jared’s sleeve and began to walk towards the hall leading to the main section of the hospital. “I’ve just got to get my meds, and then I’m outta here.”
Jared’s grin was huge. “That’s great! That’s... man, you don’t know how glad I am that I didn’t... you know.”
“Really injure me?” Jensen said dryly.
“Yeah, that’s it."
“Well, you didn’t, so after I get my meds, you can take me to my place and consider yourself absolved.”
Taking Jared’s silence as an affirmative Jensen continued blithely down the hallway, sure that within an hour he’d be heavily medicated and blissfully unaware that he even had a sister-in-law, let alone how insufferable she'd be if the rest of the family had also failed to get Captain Stupid.
“I don’t know,” Jared said slowly, “just chauffeuring you around doesn’t seem like much compensation for nearly busting your nose.”
“Yes it is.” Jensen fought to keep the look on his face nice and neutral because he was pretty sure an expression of wary disbelief would include an eyebrow raise and flared nostrils, and that would hurt like hell. “It really, really is. Honestly. Get me home and we’ll be even-steven.”
Jensen lengthened his strides but of course the giant with the ridiculously long legs easily kept pace with him.
“No, I definitely think there needs to be something else,” Jared said, “like, maybe, breakfast?” His expression was almost stupidly hopeful.
Jensen stopped in the middle of the hall. “Breakfast? You want to take me to breakfast?”
Jared’s hopeful look dimmed somewhat at the stormy expression on Jensen’s bruised face. “Or just coffee? We could get coffee.”
“Or, I could get my prescription filled, and you could take me home so I can take one of my happy pills, and I can fall into a drug induced coma and temporarily avoid the hell my sister-in-law’s going to bring down on me for failing to get her out of control little rugrat his much coveted Captain Awesome doll!” By the end of his tirade Jensen was close to shouting, Jared was openly cringing away from him, and several interns and a custodian were watching them both like they were a pay-per-view special.
Jensen scowled, and then winced, and then winced again. He really had had no idea how many of his expressions involved scrunching up his nose. “Oh, Jesus.” He grabbed Jared’s arm and practically dragged him down the corridor away from prying eyes.
“Look,” Jensen said, “I know you’re a great guy, okay, I get that. You’ve gone above and beyond in taking responsibility for what was nothing more than an unfortunate accident. You’re obviously awesome. But I don’t care.” Jensen spied a snack machine alcove and he shoved Jared inside and against one of the recessed walls.
“I’m covered in blood, I’m in pain, I’m exhausted, and I’m coming home empty handed.” Jensen felt himself deflate, his extreme irritation disappearing as quickly as it had arrived. “I just... I can’t be nice right now, especially not to the guy who’s the cause of all of it.” Jensen cast his eyes down and to the side. “If we had met under any other circumstance I would have loved to get coffee with you, but not now. I’m sorry.”
“No,” Jared said, “I’m sorry. I know I push too hard sometimes, usually when I really want something."
"You don't even know me."
"True. But I'm pretty sure that when the swelling goes down you're gonna be really cute. Plus, think of what an awesome getting together story we'd have."
Jensen closed his eyes and smiled in spite of himself. Maybe his little outburst had been cathartic enough for him to get over any lingering feelings of animosity. And Jared was right; it would be an awesome getting together story. "Danni still has all your cards and stuff," Jensen said slowly, "you should probably give me your phone number so I can call you when she brings them over." He opened his eyes and was almost blinded by Jared's grin.
"That's a good idea. I like that idea."
"Yeah. And if you promise not to punch me out again, and I promise to be a little less of a dick, maybe, maybe we can get that coffee."
Jared's grin softened. "You haven't been a dick. Well, okay, maybe a little. But it was pretty much justified."
Jensen snorted, and had to wait for a wave of pain to pass before he said, "justified or not, I'm not the only one who's had a crappy day. Your great toy quest was ruined too. We're both gonna have to deal with pissy parents and a disappointed kid, but at least with my war wounds I might get a less severe beating.”
Jared's brow furrows. “Who’re you... oh, no, man, I wasn’t getting it for a kid," he said, laughing.
Jensen felt a chill run down his spine. “You weren’t? Then who-”
“It was for my best friend, Chad. He’s got this online business selling collectibles, and he asked if I could go out today and buy a couple of the new Captain Awesomes." Jared shrugged. "I didn't have any other plans, and I had heard so much about Black Friday that I thought it could be kind of an adventure, and... Why is your eye twitching?"
“You're working for a toy scalper?!”
Jared frowned. “What’s a-”
“A douche who buys up as many limited edition, hot toys that he can find and sells them in online auctions for a ridiculously overinflated price ensuring that most normal kids never have a shot at getting the toy they want, and the relatives of said normal kids suffer the consequences.”
“Uh," Jared winced, "when you put it that way, that sounds really bad.”
“It is really bad!” Jensen, realizing that they were once again drawing a crowd, lowered his voice. "It is really bad, Jared."
“So, I guess it’s back to a no on that coffee, huh?”
Jensen sighed. "Just... take me home."
_____________
Jensen, deciding he needed some major coddling, directed Jared to take him to his parent's house instead of his own apartment. Jared was strangely silent, speaking only to make sure Jensen had his number so he could get his cards back. Jensen dutifully programmed the digits into his phone, and with a strained smile and a slight nod he watched Jared drive off just as the sun came up.
Ignoring the fact that this was the time he was usually waking up, Jensen trudged into the house where he was predictably, and pleasantly, cooed over. Even Allie, who had been close to apoplexy over the family's Captain Awesome failure - none of the four 'teams' were able to 'accomplish their 'objective' - became subdued thanks to Jensen's bruised and puffy face. Or the Valium Donna kept grinding up to put in her coffee.
Jensen took one of his Vicodin and sacked out on the living room couch for a much needed nap. When he woke up there were leftovers, and college football, and pie, and another nap, and an itchy feeling that he really didn't want to examine too closely. Danneel called as the sun started to set to gush about her plunder and arrange for the return of Jensen's car, and Jared's cards. After they said their goodbyes Jensen thumbed through his contacts until he came to Jared's name.
After a days rest, Jensen's pre-dawn activities seemed fuzzy and disjointed, like they had happened years ago, or to someone else. Of course, that might have just been the lingering effects from his concussion. Regardless, Jared was nice, and sweet, and unbelievably hot. And their calamitous meeting would make an awesome getting together story.
Mind made up, Jensen was just about to press the call button when his mother poked her head into the room.
"Honey, there's someone here to see you. He's cute, so I warned him about your face, but he said he already knew."
Jensen glanced down at Jared's name on his phone's display. Huh. He quickly rolled off the couch and walked to the front door. Jared was standing on the porch, a large shopping bag in one hand and a hopeful expression on his face.
“Hey,” Jared said. "I hope I'm not interrupting anything."
Jensen stepped outside and let the door softly shut behind him. “Only a possible fourth serving of pumpkin pie. I haven't seen Danni yet, if-.”
"That's not why I came back." Jared held out the bag. “Here.”
Jensen took the bag and peeked inside. He immediately recognized the red, white, and blue box. “No way. Where-”
“Chad. He had more luck than we did.”
“Oh man, this is awesome!" Jensen grinned at Jared, not caring about the brief discomfort it caused. “Thanks, I... How much do I owe you?”
“Don’t worry about it.”
“But I-”
“Seriously, Jensen," Jared said, "after everything I put you through today... ‘Sides, I didn’t exactly pay for it.”
“What, your toy-scalper buddy just gave it to you out of the goodness of his heart?” Jensen smiled to take some sting out of the words.
“No. He gave it to me ‘cause I dangled him upside down over his toilet.”
Jensen snickered. “Right.” He studied Jared’s face for a moment. “Oh, you’re serious.”
Jared shrugged. “I consider it payback for making me do his dirty work. And I figured I owed you one. I hate how things were left this morning."
"Yeah, me too," Jensen looked down at the toy again, "I was actually about to call you."
"I thought you said you haven't seen your friend yet."
"I wasn't gonna call about your stuff."
"Oh." Jared's eyes widened. "Oh!" A light flush came over his cheeks. "So, coffee?" The hope Jared managed to put in that one word was astonishing.
"I don't think I feel like going out tonight," Jensen said, watching as Jared's face fell, "but I'm pretty sure Mom has a pot brewing in the kitchen."
"I don't know if I should go in there," Jared said hesitantly. "I mean, after what I did to you?"
"I didn't exactly share the whole gruesome story," Jensen said. "They're not gonna know that you're the one who socked me. Of course, even if they did, you bring that box inside and you'll be hailed as a conquering hero. Seriously, my brother may write odes to you."
"Well, if I'm gonna get an ode..." Jared reached out and very gently traced a line down Jensen's swollen cheek. "Just so you know, when this is all healed up I'm gonna kiss the hell out of you, okay?"
Jensen glanced down at the box in his hands - the catalyst for his whole crazy day - then back up at Jared's sweetly smiling face. "Awesome."
__________
end
Author:
saone77Summary: AU. It’s Black Friday, the biggest shopping day of the year, and Jensen has been given an almost impossible task: find the hottest toy of the holiday season for his nephew, or face his sister-in-law’s wrath. Unfortunately, there's a big, hazel-eyed obstacle in the way.
Pairing: J2
Rating: PG-13
Warnings: Not betad, grammarians beware. Fictionalization of families. Slight, accidental, madcap violence.
Word Count: 6246
Disclaimer: This is indulgent, cracktastic fiction.
“There comes a time in every person’s life when he or she must put aside their physical comforts and petty desires for the good of their family. This is one of those times. I know a lot is being asked of you. You’re going to be cold, exhausted, and you’ll probably have to fight tooth and nail to accomplish your objective. On the table in front of you you’ll find your dossiers. Each file contains directions to your target location and a picture and description of the item you’re looking for. The quest begins at oh-two-hundred, and remember, failure is not an option.”
After a moment spent sharing bewildered looks with the rest of his family, Jensen leaned across the dining room table and stage whispered to his brother, “dude, I think your wife’s cracked.”
“Cracked?” Allison said shrilly, her general-like demeanor lost in the face of her brother-in-law’s insubordination. From her place at the head of the table she glared at Jensen, a touch of mania in her eyes. “Cracked? Is it cracked to want to give my only child the one thing he wants most for Christmas? The one thing he’s been talking about non-stop ever since he saw the first ad for it four weeks ago? The thing he hasn’t shut up about?! Is that cracked?!”
Josh, along with his parents, and two younger siblings, winced. “Of course not, sweetheart,” Josh said, “that’s just being a good parent. You’re being a very good parent.”
“Don’t patronize me, Joshua Ackles!”
“All right,” Donna said firmly. “Let’s all calm down a bit, and remember where we are, and remember the nice holiday dinner we just had, and most importantly, remember the little prying ears that are in the living room.”
Allie shook her head. “I put one of Max's DVDs on. He should be nice and zoned by now.”
Jensen opened his mouth, ready to sarcastically parrot his brother’s ‘good parent’ comment, when he was kicked in both shins. He gave wounded looks to his mother on his right and his sister on his left, before deflating into his chair in a huff.
“That’s nice, dear,” Donna said to Allie. “I do love the presentation folders you’ve given us. Were these professionally bound?” She held up one of the quarter inch thick files which, so far, none of the family members had been brave enough to open.
“Office Max,” Allie said. “I thought a professional looking touch would inspire professional like behavior.” She glared at Jensen again. “I guess I was wrong.”
Jensen, hoping his question would not result in further injury asked, “why would we need to be professional to go toy shopping?”
“It’s not just toy shopping,” Allie said derisively, “it’s shopping on Black Friday for a specific toy. A limited edition toy.”
“Limited edition?” Mackenzie spoke up, her eyes widening. She opened her folder and began perusing the contents. “Captain Awesome of the Awesome Rangers? Doesn’t Max already have, like, a dozen Captain Awesome toys?”
Allie sighed. “Two dozen. But those are the old Captain Awesome toys. This is the new Captain Awesome toy. The super, deluxe, limited edition, twelve inch, star-spangled, Captain Awesome toy.”
Alan, who had also kept quiet, and - if past post-turkey Thanksgiving Days were anything to go by - probably just wanted to escape to his den with a glass of bourbon and a football game, said hopefully, “Do we really need to go to such a fuss? Why don’t you just order the thing online?”
“They don’t go on sale until Friday,” Mack answered for Allie. She placed her finger on one the pages of her document. “It says here that the makers of Captain Awesome signed an exclusive deal with Target. The toys will only be carried in their brick and mortar stores.” She paused and frowned. “At least until the toy scalpers get them.”
Jensen raised an eyebrow. “Toy scalpers?”
Allie scowled. “They’re these horrible people that buy up all the limited edition or hard to find toys they can at regular price, and then put them in online auctions and start the bidding at some huge amount.” She crossed her arms over her chest. “We’ve been lucky in that, until now, Max’s only wanted simple, easy to find things; but the other parents in his playgroup have stories that would curl your hair.” She shook her head. “I am not going to pay a couple hundred dollars for some over-hyped piece of plastic, not when - if we all work together - we have a good chance of getting one in the store. Now,” Allie stood up, “I’m going to go check on my son, because I am a good parent, and then I’m going to take a nap. I suggest you all do the same.”
Jensen watched her leave the room. He heaved a great sigh and turned back to his family. “Yikes.”
Josh was staring straight ahead, a rather vacant look on his face. “I’m thinking about going gay. It’s not that bad, right?”
Jensen shrugged. “You have to put guys’ dicks in your mouth.”
Josh shuddered, then looked at his wife’s professionally bound, toy-hunting folder. “Well-”
“Joshua, you’re not going gay,” Donna said. She got up and retrieved a bottle of whiskey and several glasses from the liquor cabinet. “Jensen, don’t use the word 'dick' at the dining room table.”
“Or never,” Alan said, pouring himself two fingers of the pungent liquid. “Never using that word is good.”
"Hey! "Mackenzie tapped her fingers on her folder and glared in the direction of the living room. "Do you know who didn't get one of these? Allie!"
"I think she's planning on staying here with Max," Josh said. "Thank God."
"That's so not fair," Mackenzie said. "Why doesn't she go out and look for her stupid toy and let mom and dad stay here and babysit?"
"Here, here." Alan raised his glass. "You were always my favorite, Mack."
"Thank you, daddy," Mackenzie said. "I mean, you and mom are so old. You two shouldn't be out in the pre-dawn cold."
"Oooh, favoritism won and lost within the space of a minute," Jensen said. "That's got to be a new record. And as much as I dearly love my two parents..." He beamed at Alan and Donna expectantly.
Alan shook his head. "You mentioned dick at the table, no favored status for you."
Jensen scowled. "Whatever. Allie should still be the one to stay home. Think about it, do you really want her to be around civilians in her present state? We'd have to pool all our Christmas money for her bail. And then there's the cost of lawyers, the trial, the appeals. No, it's better that she stay at home."
"You make a very good point," Donna said.
"Am I your favorite, Mom?" Jensen asked, batting his lashes.
"You're in the top three, sweetheart." Donna threw back the rest of her drink. "All right, finish up, and then I suggest we hit the sack. Two a.m. is gonna come around mighty early."
_____________
"I gotta say, Jens, Allie might be nuts, but she is organized."
Jensen rolled his eyes at Danneel and burrowed further into the collar of his coat. "Yeah, sanity's overrated, but as long as someone can make a spreadsheet they're golden."
There were four Targets spread out over the major, metropolitan area, and each Ackles (Alan and Donna were working as a pair) had been assigned a separate store. Jensen's was the western store, twenty minutes from his parents' house on the highway. Realizing this whole insane plan would be slightly more bearable with someone to accompany him Jensen had called the one person he knew who might be willing to venture out into the oncoming retail madness.
"I'm just saying..." Danneel checked her watch and craned her neck trying to see past the massive line of people to the front of the store. "C'mon, momma's got some shoes to buy."
"Did you just refer to yourself as 'momma'?" Jensen asked. "I'm beginning to regret inviting you along."
"Please," Danneel said. "You begged me to come. You said, and I'm quoting here, 'Please, Danni, don't make me face this horror on my own, I'll feel so stupid, and pathetic."
"I never used the words stupid or pathetic."
"They were implied. Besides, it's too late to get rid of me now, I have a plan." Danneel reached into one of the pockets of her puffy parka and pulled out a sheaf of papers. "I stayed up all night compiling sales and checking coupons; I'm running on caffeine and the lure of fifty percent off fashion boots. After we leave here we're going to Macy's. After Macy's we're going to Kohls. After Kohls we're going to the mall. After the mall we're-"
"Taking a much needed nap?"
Danneel reached up to pat Jensen's cheek. "You're so cute. We'll sleep when we're dead. Or, when your trunk can't hold any more bags."
"I thought you agreed to come with me to provide moral support."
"Again, so cute." A commotion near the front of the line made Danneel grab Jensen's arm. "It's moving! We're moving! Sales, here I come!"
Jensen let himself be dragged along in the sudden surge of people crushing through the four propped open double doors. Once inside the store he and Danneel were separated almost immediately.
"I'll be in the shoes," Danneel called out. "Or the accessories. Or the sweaters. Or the-"
Jensen watched her dark red head get swallowed by a sea of other determined consumers tromping off to do battle over things that would be out of style in few months. He sent a silent prayer, hoping that wouldn't be the last he saw of his friend, and turned to his right, ready to fight his way to the back of the store where the toys were. Between dodging the hardcore shoppers, avoiding stepping on the odd, unrestrained toddler, and getting stuck behind a group of dreaded old people by the time Jensen made his way to the toy department the Captain Awesome display had already been decimated.
Jensen sighed in disgust, sure that the empty shelves were silently mocking him. He briefly considered pulling out his cell and checking in with the rest of his family, but then decided that ignorance was bliss.
He guessed there was nothing left to do but find Danneel and act as her human pack mule until all the things she wanted were gone, or she passed out from exhaustion. At least they'd be able to bitch to each other. He started to make his way to the woman's department when, out of the corner of his eye, he saw a familiar box. Against the far wall, crammed onto a shelf with outdated, discount Bratz dolls, was a super, deluxe, limited edition, twelve inch, star-spangled, Captain Awesome.
For a moment Jensen was completely frozen, not able to believe his eyes and the strange feeling of hope bubbling in his chest. He snapped out of it quickly though, and furtively glanced around at his fellow shoppers, wondering if he had it in him to clothesline someone for an child's toy. A middle aged soccer mom by the My Little Ponys, was looking about as shifty as Jensen. Her eyes flickered between Jensen and Captain Awesome, then they narrowed.
Throwing decorum - and his self worth - to the wind, Jensen sprinted across the main aisle. He risked a look back and saw the soccer mom had somehow gotten tangled with a tandem stroller. Jensen grinned. Victory was within his grasp; all he had to do was reach out and take it. Nothing could stop him now.
Except a giant fist flying towards his face...
___________
He would never tell his momma, but Jensen had had some experience with being knocked out. One doesn’t stay friends with Christian Kane without participating in at least two or three bar brawls, and the last one had been a doozy. Normally, Jensen could handle himself just fine, but knowing how to take a punch doesn't do jack if someone clocks you upside the head with a beer bottle. When Jensen had come to it had been to the worried faces of Steve and Aldis, and the sounds of an angry Oklahoman promising swift death to whoever had broken his pretty, little Jenny.
He almost blacked out again just to escape the embarrassment.
Coming out of this bout of unconsciousness felt different, though. Jensen was fairly certain he hadn’t been barhopping with Kane, the floor he was laying on wasn't sticky, and his head was being gently cradled against something firm and warm.
Also, the first thing he heard wasn't Kane's posturing, but a soft voice that was quietly murmuring “OhmyGodohmyGodohmyGod...” over and over again. And the first thing he felt wasn't mortification, it was an extreme, horrible discomfort centering around his nose. It felt hot, and big, and just wrong. His upper lip itched, and a cloying, metallic scent filled his nostrils.
Jensen licked his lips and scrunched his face at the taste of blood. A wave of agony radiated outward from his nose and across his cheekbones.
"Fuck," he said. Realization came rushing back, and Jensen opened his eyes to the bright, overhead fluorescents of Target's toy department. He tried to sit up, but a large hand gently pressed against his forehead keeping his head pinned to what Jensen was pretty sure was a strange man's thigh.
"Take it easy," the owner of the thigh said. "You were out for at least a couple minutes. I don't think you should move yet."
Jensen's eyes rolled in their sockets, trying to focus on the face attached to his denim pillow. From his pain-filled, upside down viewpoint all Jensen could make out was that the guy was young, with a mess of floppy brown hair and a stupidly concerned look on his face.
"My name's Jared. I, uh... I mean, I... See, what happened was..." He cleared his throat. "Anyway, someone's gone off to try and find the store's safety person, or a med kit, or something," the guy said. "You've stopped bleeding, so that's good."
"Wonderful," Jensen groaned. "At least I've accomplished something this... Wait a minute!" Jensen struggled in the strange guy - Jared's - grasp. "Get off me! Where's the-"
"Dude, careful!"
Jensen threw off the hand, and the concern, and sat up. His puffy eyes focused on the shelf that had been so close to his grasp, and the over-sized heads of four dozen clearance priced fashion dolls stared back at him.
"No. Nonononono. Where is it?" Jensen struggled to his feet, helped - to his chagrin - by large, warm hands under his elbows.
"Where's what?" Jared asked.
"Captain Awesome. I saw him. He was here. He was right here." Jensen futilely gestured towards the Bratz filled shelf. "Right here!" He glanced around wildly. It only took him a few seconds to spot the star-spangled box tucked securely under the arm of the soccer mom as she hurried away from the scene of the carnage. As if sensing she was being watched, the woman turned around and used both hands to give Jensen the double finger.
"Son of a bitch." Jensen resisted the sudden urge he had to do a run and tackle.
"Jeez," Jared said. "You'd think for someone who got the last super, deluxe, limited edition, twelve inch, star-spangled, Captain Awesome toy she'd be a little gracious."
"This is Black Friday," Jensen said, "I guess I should consider myself lucky she didn't try to shiv me while I was down." He looked at the rust colored stains on the front of his previously pristine pearl gray sweater. "Or maybe she saw the blood and figured I was already on my way out." He turned his attention back to Jared and got his first proper look at the larger man. A definite thrill of attraction rushed through Jensen as he took in the details of his former pillow. "Um, hi," he said, inwardly cringing at the breathy quality to his voice.
"Yeah, hi." Jared's really nice face was pulled into a frown. "Are you sure you should be standing? Who's the president? Are you seeing double? How many fingers am I holding up?"
"Whoa, easy there," Jensen said. "Take a breath, okay? I'm fine." At that moment Jensen's face throbbed reminding him of the falseness of that statement. "Or not. What the hell happened anyway?"
"Uh." Jared's gaze moved around, flitting on everything except Jensen's face.
"Dude, are you... Are you giving me shifty eyes?"
"No! Maybe." Jared seemed to loose a few inches as his whole body slumped down. "Yes. It was an accident, I swear."
"You did this?!"
"Accident!" Jared said again, waving his arms for emphasis and nearly taking out a Spider-Man display. "I was coming up the side aisle, and I saw the Captain Awesome box, and I was like 'victory is mine', you know, and I guess I kind of got tunnel vision because I didn't even see you, and I was reaching out to grab the box, and... my hand and your face kind of... ended up occupying the same space. And then you went down like a bowling pin, and I lost about ten years off my life." Jared wrung his hands together. "I've never hit anyone before. Ever."
Jensen sighed, his ire fading somewhat at the sight of Jared's obvious distress. He just wished the pain in his face could dissipate so quickly. "It's... It's okay," Jensen said, awkwardly patting Jared's shoulder.
"Really?" Jared asked, looking all pathetically hopeful and adorable.
"Yeah. I mean, it was an accident, right?"
"A total accident!"
"Well then..." Jensen shrugged. "You took care of me when I went down and didn't, like, step on me, or use my stomach as a springboard, or something. Besides, you lost out on Captain Awesome too."
"Yeah." Jared glanced back at the Bratz display. "Sucks."
Jensen rubbed at his forehead. What he wanted more than anything was to slink out of the store, go back to his apartment, lock the door, and try to ignore his family until Easter. Reality, however, was going to include dragging Danneel away from her bloodsport and spending who knows how long in the E.R. to make sure part of his nose cartilage wasn't accidentally shoved close to his brain. "It certainly does." He sighed and gave one last lingering look at his would-be attacker. "Thanks for, you know, not actually killing me. I'm just gonna..." He started to move away, but Jared grabbed his shoulder.
"Wait! You can't go," Jared said. "The guy with the med kit should be back any second. You really should-"
"Was the person you sent off an employee?"
"Yeah."
"Then the poor guy has probably been eaten alive. Or forced to work a register. I'm gonna go find my friend, and then go to the hospital."
"I'll come with," Jared said.
Luckily Jensen thought twice before he raised one of his eyebrows. "What? You don't-"
"I'm not just going to let you go wandering off alone in a crowded store."
It was taking a lot to keep that eyebrow under control. "I'm thirty-two. I think I can handle it."
"What if you black out again? Or someone bumps into you and jars your face? Or..." Jared shook his head. "No. I'm coming with you."
Jensen sighed. It was sort of sweet, he supposed. And he could put up with Jared's presence a bit longer - the guy was hot - as long as he kept complete control over all his limbs. "Fine," he said. "Though, as a head's up, we're heading to the clothing section."
Jared stood up straight, squared his shoulders, and in a deadly serious voice said, "I'll take point."
__________
With Jared's six and a half foot vantage, it was much easier than Jensen had expected to find Danneel.
"Hot red-head, two o'clock," Jared said.
Danneel was standing in front of an almost barren display of skinny jeans, clutching various things to her chest, and baring her teeth at a slightly shorter brunette. Jensen was loathe to interrupt her obvious show of dominance, but his face was throbbing more and more with each breath.
"Danni," he called out.
"Just a minute, Jensen." Danneel remained focused, but the brunette glanced over at them and her face blanched. "Nice try, sweetheart," she said, "but if you think I'm gonna fall for the whole 'there's something horrible behind you' routine you are sadly mis-"
"Danni, I need to go to the hospital," Jensen said, pain overriding any fear he might have normally felt at interrupting.
Danneel spun around. "Oh my God! What the hell happened to you?" Jensen felt an absurd twinge of warmth as she immediately abandoned the jeans and rushed to his side.
"It was an accident," Jared said, smiling wanly. "Hi."
"Accident?" Danneel's eyes flitted between Jensen's face and the blood on the back of Jared's knuckles. She took a threatening step forward. "Did you break my friend's face?!"
Jensen quickly maneuvered himself between the enraged Danneel and cowering Jared. "Easy. He's right; it was an accident. And he didn't break my face, but I do think my nose is busted, and I need an X-ray." He took a deep breath and tried to look as contrite as possible without actually changing his expression. "I'm sorry, Danni."
Danneel made a soft sound of discontentment as she patted the pocket that Jensen knew held her carefully compiled list of sales. "But, but, Macy's."
Jensen pursed his lips at the pitiful note in her voice. "I know. Maybe it won't take that long at the E.R. Maybe we'll be in and out, and you can get back to your itinerary."
"The timetable will be ruined," she said, her eyes distant. She lifted her chin and gave him a watery smile. "There's always next year, right?"
Never let it be said that Jensen wasn't a complete sucker. He reached up to rub the bridge of his nose but remembered in the nick of time that that would have been a very bad idea. “It’s okay,” he said, “I can manage.”
“Manage what?” Jared asked, looking between Jensen and Danneel.
“Really?” Danneel was biting her lip and Jensen could tell she was trying very hard not to look pathetically grateful. “Are you sure?"
“Yeah, I’m sure.”
“Sure about what?” Jared had a slight frown on his face.
“Oh, Jens,” Danneel made an abortive move towards him. “I’d hug you, but you’re all bloody."
"Yeah, yeah, yeah," Jensen said. "Can you at least drive me to the hospital? And then you can take my car; I'm pretty sure I can get Mack or Josh to pick me up." He really wasn't looking forward to that conversation.
"'Course. Just let me check out and then-"
"Hold up." Jared said. "You're just gonna drop him off at the hospital? So you can go shopping?!"
Danneel's eyes narrowed. “Are you really judging me, person who injured Jensen in the first place?”
“Maybe I am," Jared said, crossing his arms over his chest. "I certainly wouldn't leave my boyfriend to fend for himself after being-"
"He's not my-"
"I'm not her-"
"Oh." Jared grinned a little bit. "Really? Huh. Um, whatever, you still should stay with him, just in case."
"Why don't you go with him," Danneel said suddenly.
"What?"
"Pardon?"
She shrugged. "You did this to him," she said to Jared, "you take care of him."
Jensen shook his head. "I really don't think-"
"Okay." Jared nodded decisively. "We'll take my truck."
"No, we won't. I'm not going with you." Jensen turned to Danneel. "I'm not going with him."
"Why not?" Jared looked almost wounded.
Jensen sighed. While he knew that what had happened was an accident he really wasn't too keen on spending more time with the guy who had caused it, regardless of how attractive and adorable he might be. Jensen felt his fuse, already shortened by the ungodly hour and absurdity of his quest, shrink just a little bit more. “Because..." He didn't exactly want to say 'I don't want to be around you when I loose my shit', besides, there was another prefectly valid reason. "I’m not just going to get in some strange guy’s car.”
"Valid point," Jared said, digging his wallet out of his back pocket. He rummaged through it for a moment before extracting various cards that he held out to Danneel, "Here, my Social Security Card, my Voter Registration Card, my library card, a VISA, and my list of contact numbers." He turned to Jensen. "Now I'm totally track-down-able. I'm still working on, like, an epic level of guilt here, man. Let me take care of you. Please."
Jensen knew, facing down two vastly different - but still incredibly effective - versions of the 'puppy face', that the battle was lost. "Fine," he said grudgingly.
"Yay!" Danneel clutched her bounty to her chest and jumped up and down a few times. "Macy's, here I come!" She leaned in to kiss Jensen's cheek, then cringed and smooched the air beside him instead. "Love you! Not your blood, though. Nasty. Ew." She then spun around and poked Jared in the chest, hard. "You, take care of him. Got it?" Without waiting for an answer she took off, dodging other shoppers with an agility and grace that the Cowboy's latest QB wish he had.
"So," Jared said, watching her disappear into the crowd, "not your girlfriend, huh?"
At least it didn't hurt when Jensen rolled his eyes.
_____________
Jensen slowly pushed through the double doors that led to the E.R. waiting room, his release papers and a shiny prescription for Vicodin clutched in his right hand. Jared was by his side before the doors had a chance to swing shut.
“Hey, what’s the word?” he asked anxiously.
Jensen bit back a sigh of irritation. After waiting for nearly two hours just to be poked and prodded and proclaimed 'deeply bruised' by someone who looked like he had barely gotten out of kindergarten, let alone med school, he wasn't exactly up for civil discourse. Especially not with the ever-cheerful instigator of the whole mess.
“If the swelling doesn’t go down in a couple days I need to come back and have an x-ray, but the doc’s pretty sure it’s just bruised,” Jensen said. He tugged at Jared’s sleeve and began to walk towards the hall leading to the main section of the hospital. “I’ve just got to get my meds, and then I’m outta here.”
Jared’s grin was huge. “That’s great! That’s... man, you don’t know how glad I am that I didn’t... you know.”
“Really injure me?” Jensen said dryly.
“Yeah, that’s it."
“Well, you didn’t, so after I get my meds, you can take me to my place and consider yourself absolved.”
Taking Jared’s silence as an affirmative Jensen continued blithely down the hallway, sure that within an hour he’d be heavily medicated and blissfully unaware that he even had a sister-in-law, let alone how insufferable she'd be if the rest of the family had also failed to get Captain Stupid.
“I don’t know,” Jared said slowly, “just chauffeuring you around doesn’t seem like much compensation for nearly busting your nose.”
“Yes it is.” Jensen fought to keep the look on his face nice and neutral because he was pretty sure an expression of wary disbelief would include an eyebrow raise and flared nostrils, and that would hurt like hell. “It really, really is. Honestly. Get me home and we’ll be even-steven.”
Jensen lengthened his strides but of course the giant with the ridiculously long legs easily kept pace with him.
“No, I definitely think there needs to be something else,” Jared said, “like, maybe, breakfast?” His expression was almost stupidly hopeful.
Jensen stopped in the middle of the hall. “Breakfast? You want to take me to breakfast?”
Jared’s hopeful look dimmed somewhat at the stormy expression on Jensen’s bruised face. “Or just coffee? We could get coffee.”
“Or, I could get my prescription filled, and you could take me home so I can take one of my happy pills, and I can fall into a drug induced coma and temporarily avoid the hell my sister-in-law’s going to bring down on me for failing to get her out of control little rugrat his much coveted Captain Awesome doll!” By the end of his tirade Jensen was close to shouting, Jared was openly cringing away from him, and several interns and a custodian were watching them both like they were a pay-per-view special.
Jensen scowled, and then winced, and then winced again. He really had had no idea how many of his expressions involved scrunching up his nose. “Oh, Jesus.” He grabbed Jared’s arm and practically dragged him down the corridor away from prying eyes.
“Look,” Jensen said, “I know you’re a great guy, okay, I get that. You’ve gone above and beyond in taking responsibility for what was nothing more than an unfortunate accident. You’re obviously awesome. But I don’t care.” Jensen spied a snack machine alcove and he shoved Jared inside and against one of the recessed walls.
“I’m covered in blood, I’m in pain, I’m exhausted, and I’m coming home empty handed.” Jensen felt himself deflate, his extreme irritation disappearing as quickly as it had arrived. “I just... I can’t be nice right now, especially not to the guy who’s the cause of all of it.” Jensen cast his eyes down and to the side. “If we had met under any other circumstance I would have loved to get coffee with you, but not now. I’m sorry.”
“No,” Jared said, “I’m sorry. I know I push too hard sometimes, usually when I really want something."
"You don't even know me."
"True. But I'm pretty sure that when the swelling goes down you're gonna be really cute. Plus, think of what an awesome getting together story we'd have."
Jensen closed his eyes and smiled in spite of himself. Maybe his little outburst had been cathartic enough for him to get over any lingering feelings of animosity. And Jared was right; it would be an awesome getting together story. "Danni still has all your cards and stuff," Jensen said slowly, "you should probably give me your phone number so I can call you when she brings them over." He opened his eyes and was almost blinded by Jared's grin.
"That's a good idea. I like that idea."
"Yeah. And if you promise not to punch me out again, and I promise to be a little less of a dick, maybe, maybe we can get that coffee."
Jared's grin softened. "You haven't been a dick. Well, okay, maybe a little. But it was pretty much justified."
Jensen snorted, and had to wait for a wave of pain to pass before he said, "justified or not, I'm not the only one who's had a crappy day. Your great toy quest was ruined too. We're both gonna have to deal with pissy parents and a disappointed kid, but at least with my war wounds I might get a less severe beating.”
Jared's brow furrows. “Who’re you... oh, no, man, I wasn’t getting it for a kid," he said, laughing.
Jensen felt a chill run down his spine. “You weren’t? Then who-”
“It was for my best friend, Chad. He’s got this online business selling collectibles, and he asked if I could go out today and buy a couple of the new Captain Awesomes." Jared shrugged. "I didn't have any other plans, and I had heard so much about Black Friday that I thought it could be kind of an adventure, and... Why is your eye twitching?"
“You're working for a toy scalper?!”
Jared frowned. “What’s a-”
“A douche who buys up as many limited edition, hot toys that he can find and sells them in online auctions for a ridiculously overinflated price ensuring that most normal kids never have a shot at getting the toy they want, and the relatives of said normal kids suffer the consequences.”
“Uh," Jared winced, "when you put it that way, that sounds really bad.”
“It is really bad!” Jensen, realizing that they were once again drawing a crowd, lowered his voice. "It is really bad, Jared."
“So, I guess it’s back to a no on that coffee, huh?”
Jensen sighed. "Just... take me home."
_____________
Jensen, deciding he needed some major coddling, directed Jared to take him to his parent's house instead of his own apartment. Jared was strangely silent, speaking only to make sure Jensen had his number so he could get his cards back. Jensen dutifully programmed the digits into his phone, and with a strained smile and a slight nod he watched Jared drive off just as the sun came up.
Ignoring the fact that this was the time he was usually waking up, Jensen trudged into the house where he was predictably, and pleasantly, cooed over. Even Allie, who had been close to apoplexy over the family's Captain Awesome failure - none of the four 'teams' were able to 'accomplish their 'objective' - became subdued thanks to Jensen's bruised and puffy face. Or the Valium Donna kept grinding up to put in her coffee.
Jensen took one of his Vicodin and sacked out on the living room couch for a much needed nap. When he woke up there were leftovers, and college football, and pie, and another nap, and an itchy feeling that he really didn't want to examine too closely. Danneel called as the sun started to set to gush about her plunder and arrange for the return of Jensen's car, and Jared's cards. After they said their goodbyes Jensen thumbed through his contacts until he came to Jared's name.
After a days rest, Jensen's pre-dawn activities seemed fuzzy and disjointed, like they had happened years ago, or to someone else. Of course, that might have just been the lingering effects from his concussion. Regardless, Jared was nice, and sweet, and unbelievably hot. And their calamitous meeting would make an awesome getting together story.
Mind made up, Jensen was just about to press the call button when his mother poked her head into the room.
"Honey, there's someone here to see you. He's cute, so I warned him about your face, but he said he already knew."
Jensen glanced down at Jared's name on his phone's display. Huh. He quickly rolled off the couch and walked to the front door. Jared was standing on the porch, a large shopping bag in one hand and a hopeful expression on his face.
“Hey,” Jared said. "I hope I'm not interrupting anything."
Jensen stepped outside and let the door softly shut behind him. “Only a possible fourth serving of pumpkin pie. I haven't seen Danni yet, if-.”
"That's not why I came back." Jared held out the bag. “Here.”
Jensen took the bag and peeked inside. He immediately recognized the red, white, and blue box. “No way. Where-”
“Chad. He had more luck than we did.”
“Oh man, this is awesome!" Jensen grinned at Jared, not caring about the brief discomfort it caused. “Thanks, I... How much do I owe you?”
“Don’t worry about it.”
“But I-”
“Seriously, Jensen," Jared said, "after everything I put you through today... ‘Sides, I didn’t exactly pay for it.”
“What, your toy-scalper buddy just gave it to you out of the goodness of his heart?” Jensen smiled to take some sting out of the words.
“No. He gave it to me ‘cause I dangled him upside down over his toilet.”
Jensen snickered. “Right.” He studied Jared’s face for a moment. “Oh, you’re serious.”
Jared shrugged. “I consider it payback for making me do his dirty work. And I figured I owed you one. I hate how things were left this morning."
"Yeah, me too," Jensen looked down at the toy again, "I was actually about to call you."
"I thought you said you haven't seen your friend yet."
"I wasn't gonna call about your stuff."
"Oh." Jared's eyes widened. "Oh!" A light flush came over his cheeks. "So, coffee?" The hope Jared managed to put in that one word was astonishing.
"I don't think I feel like going out tonight," Jensen said, watching as Jared's face fell, "but I'm pretty sure Mom has a pot brewing in the kitchen."
"I don't know if I should go in there," Jared said hesitantly. "I mean, after what I did to you?"
"I didn't exactly share the whole gruesome story," Jensen said. "They're not gonna know that you're the one who socked me. Of course, even if they did, you bring that box inside and you'll be hailed as a conquering hero. Seriously, my brother may write odes to you."
"Well, if I'm gonna get an ode..." Jared reached out and very gently traced a line down Jensen's swollen cheek. "Just so you know, when this is all healed up I'm gonna kiss the hell out of you, okay?"
Jensen glanced down at the box in his hands - the catalyst for his whole crazy day - then back up at Jared's sweetly smiling face. "Awesome."
__________
end