![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
saoneTitle: Halloween For the Ethically Challenged
Series: Killer Romance aka The Adventures of crimeboss!Jared and ex-assassin!Jensen
Author:![[livejournal.com profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/external/lj-userinfo.gif)
saone77
Summary: AU. Halloween timestamp.
Pairings: J2, Mike/Tom
Rating: PG
Warnings: Not betad, grammarians beware.
Word Count: 1639
Disclaimer: This is silly, indulgent, cracktastic fiction.
Notes: I originally wanted to get this out last week, but a burn on the back of my hand (note to self: don't get into anymore fights with toaster ovens, they're vicious) kind of sidelined the typing. But, hey, Halloween isn't officially over until The Simpson's Treehouse of Horror, right? ;D
"Jeff, I need your help."
Jeff raises an eyebrow at how furtive Jensen looks as he closes the door to his office, and plops himself down in one of the chairs across from his desk. He's seen that look on faces before, and it usually means the same thing. "Where's the body, and how do you want to hide it? Wait, my hamstring's been acting up, let me call Columbus." He reaches for his phone.
Jensen snorts. "I can hide bodies all on my own, thanks. This is something different. And difficult."
Jeff wisely doesn't remark on that.
Jensen takes a deep breath, and, after glancing at the closed door, he says, "I need you to come up with some official sounding security reason to put the house on lockdown over Halloween."
"Zombies?" Jeff winces at the glare Jensen gives him.
"I may be a little rusty, but I think I can still remember how to kill a man using just my pinkie," Jensen says. "No, not zombies. It needs to be something Jared's not going to question, and I'm pretty sure the undead would qualify."
Jeff shifts in his chair. This conversation's taking an uncomfortable turn. "Jensen, I... I like you. And you scare me senseless sometimes. But Jared's my employer, and I'm not going to go behind his back just on your say so. Understand?"
Jensen blinks a few times before he grins, and Jeff feels something unclench. "Dude, it's nothing bad, I swear. It's just... You know how Jared tends to really get into holidays?"
Jeff nods, and he's suddenly got a good idea where this conversation is going.
"He gets the front yard all decked out with decorations," Jensen says, "and buys obscene amounts of candy for all the trick-or-treaters who never show up because this is the house of a freakin' crime lord, and then he gets all mopey and depressed until Thanksgiving rolls around and I can distract him with pie."
"Ah," Jeff says. The funk Jared gets into around Halloween is kind of legendary. Jeff, and most everyone else in the organization, had just learned to ignore it. He says as much to Jensen, and the look he gets from the ex-assassin makes him really wish he had kept his mouth shut.
"I don't like it when Jared's upset, Jeffery," Jensen says in a slow, cold tone. "Even if it's his own damn fault for having unrealistic expectations. And if I can do something this year to try and keep that damn beaten puppy look off his face, I will do it. You hear me?"
Jeff hears him. "Okay, I get where you're coming from. But, to instigate a whole house lockdown, well... that would get a lot of feathers ruffled. Me, my team, Murray, Cortese, Cassidy, Welling... I could go on and list everybody who would either be involved, or want to know what was going on, but you get the idea. There would be a lot very pissed, very dangerous people who would not be amused."
"Then they can come to me with their grievances," Jensen says. "I'm sure I can... handle them."
Jeff swallows. "You know Jared doesn't want you killing Chad. I'm sure that ban goes for everybody else in the organization too."
Jensen looks almost offended. "I'm not gonna kill them, Jeff. Jesus, how bloodthirsty do you think I am?"
Again, Jeff very wisely doesn't say anything.
"If anyone has a problem I'll talk to them and explain my reasoning," Jensen says. "And if that doesn't work, then I'll kill them."
"Yeah, you know, let's look at some other options first, huh?" Jeff rolls his shoulders and tries to think of the best, least offensive way to put what he wants to say. "Have you tried... I don't mean to overstep my boundaries, but... I mean, have you thought about trying to..." Jeff sighs. There was a time when he thought nothing of talking to Jensen using the filthiest innuendo possible, just to watch a sweet flush spread across the younger man's freckled skin. Now he can't even get the word s-e-x out of his mouth without fearing that Jensen might finally decide to retaliate for all the previous, completely (mostly) innocent advances. He tries one more time. "Have you thought about distracting him with, uh-"
"Stop." Jensen raises one of his hands. "Please, stop. Watching you try and skirt an issue is incredibly painful." He cocks his head to the side. "You didn't use to be so shy about sex. In fact," Jensen's grin is pure wickedness, "if I remember correctly, there was even one time, right after I came here, that you actually goosed me."
Jeff bites back a groan. Like he really needed to be reminded of that incident. He thinks about defending himself, but decides that saying 'sorry, back then I thought you were a prostitute' might just make the hole he's in even deeper.
Jensen's obviously feeling a bit magnanimous because he steers the conversation back to the problem at hand. "Yes, to answer your unspoken question, I have tried distracting Jared with sex. And, I'm man enough to admit, it doesn't work. I'm not just talking vanilla sex, either," Jensen says, annoyance clear on his face. "I'm talking toys, outfits, roleplaying..." Jensen leans forward across Jeff's desk. "I offered to let him tie me up. Do you know what he said?"
"Yes, please?"
"He said, 'Maybe tomorrow, baby, I've got to finish carving this pumpkin.' A pumpkin, Jeff." Jensen put his elbows on the desk, and rested his head in his hands. "That was last year, and when I first realized that whatever hold this holiday has on Jared - whether it's a second childhood thing, or some way for him to try and reclaim some long-lost innocence - I know I can't handle it alone." He reaches across and grabs one of Jeff's hands. "I spent most of my life without a lot of... friends. But now that I have some, I'm not above utilizing them to my advantage. So, help me. Okay?"
Jeff uses his free hand to rub the bridge of his nose. This used to be such an easy job. "First, I'm glad you consider me one of your new friends. Second, you might want to work on your social niceties. Third, while I still don't think a lockdown is the best option, I will help."
"Thank you!" Jensen releases Jeff's hand and rubs his own together. "But if not a lockdown, then what?"
Jeff eases back in his chair and lets his eyes focus on the far wall. There's something coalescing in his mind. Two things Jensen had said - one about Jared, one about himself - are coming together and forming an interesting idea. "I think I've got something," he says, "but you might have to work to sell it to everyone."
"Threats or persuasion?"
"Both."
Jensen looks intrigued. "I'm listening."
___________
Jared knows there's this giant, doofy smile on his face, but he can't quite seem to care. The sun is just starting to rise on the first day in November, and with the encroaching daylight he can more clearly see what an absolute shambles his backyard is. It matches the mess inside.
"Hey," Jensen says, stepping out onto the verada, "just you let you know, Superman and Lex Luthor are hooking up in the laundry room."
"Huh. About time," Jared says. Mike and Tom had been dancing around each other for years and all it took was each of them making a serendipitous choice regarding a costume-mandatory Halloween party to get their heads out of their asses. "Wait. Why the laundry room?"
Jensen scowls. "Spin cycle."
"Oh. Ewww."
"I know. It was time for us to get a new washer anyway. I'll call Sears later today." Jensen shakes his head, and his scowl melts into a shy smile as he sidles up to his boyfriend. Jared immediately wraps one arm around Jensen's shoulders and draws him close. At some point during the night Jensen had lost the worn, tan Stetson that completed his cowboy outfit - Jared feels a ping of regret 'cause damn, if that wasn't one of the hottest things he'd ever seen - and, with the hat gone, he's able to lean in and nuzzle Jensen's hair.
"Thank you," Jensen says, "for the party."
Jared grins. Between Jensen's unusually heartfelt admission that he missed the kind of Halloween parties he used to go to as a kid, and the not-so-clandestine looks shared by Jensen, Jeff, and several others in the organization, Jared's pretty sure he was manipulated into throwing this shindig. He can't work up any indignation, though, not when he understands that the co-conspirators had his best interests at heart. Jared knows that he usually gets pretty bummed by his Halloween plans never turning out as awesome as he hopes, and the fact that Jensen worked with the others and did this for him is all kinds of sweet. Plus... "Dude, you managed to get everyone to dress up. Everyone. In costumes. That's thanks enough." He kisses the side of Jensen's face and works down to his lightly stubbled jaw. "How did you pull that off, anyway?"
Jensen arches his neck to give Jared better access. "An even mix of eyelash batting and intimidation."
"Ah. A winning combination." Jared pulls back a bit. He's pretty sure Mike and Tom aren't the only 'guests' still around - unless Chris just forgot his big, round shield thing - and he'd rather not put on a free show. "Wanna go back to our room and help me burn off my sugar high?"
Jensen lets his fingers trail down Jared's ruffled shirt to where an imitation flintlock is tucked into his belt. "Lead the way, mon capitaine."
"Awesome. But first, find your hat, okay?"
"Yee haw."
end
Series: Killer Romance aka The Adventures of crimeboss!Jared and ex-assassin!Jensen
Author:
saone77Summary: AU. Halloween timestamp.
Pairings: J2, Mike/Tom
Rating: PG
Warnings: Not betad, grammarians beware.
Word Count: 1639
Disclaimer: This is silly, indulgent, cracktastic fiction.
Notes: I originally wanted to get this out last week, but a burn on the back of my hand (note to self: don't get into anymore fights with toaster ovens, they're vicious) kind of sidelined the typing. But, hey, Halloween isn't officially over until The Simpson's Treehouse of Horror, right? ;D
"Jeff, I need your help."
Jeff raises an eyebrow at how furtive Jensen looks as he closes the door to his office, and plops himself down in one of the chairs across from his desk. He's seen that look on faces before, and it usually means the same thing. "Where's the body, and how do you want to hide it? Wait, my hamstring's been acting up, let me call Columbus." He reaches for his phone.
Jensen snorts. "I can hide bodies all on my own, thanks. This is something different. And difficult."
Jeff wisely doesn't remark on that.
Jensen takes a deep breath, and, after glancing at the closed door, he says, "I need you to come up with some official sounding security reason to put the house on lockdown over Halloween."
"Zombies?" Jeff winces at the glare Jensen gives him.
"I may be a little rusty, but I think I can still remember how to kill a man using just my pinkie," Jensen says. "No, not zombies. It needs to be something Jared's not going to question, and I'm pretty sure the undead would qualify."
Jeff shifts in his chair. This conversation's taking an uncomfortable turn. "Jensen, I... I like you. And you scare me senseless sometimes. But Jared's my employer, and I'm not going to go behind his back just on your say so. Understand?"
Jensen blinks a few times before he grins, and Jeff feels something unclench. "Dude, it's nothing bad, I swear. It's just... You know how Jared tends to really get into holidays?"
Jeff nods, and he's suddenly got a good idea where this conversation is going.
"He gets the front yard all decked out with decorations," Jensen says, "and buys obscene amounts of candy for all the trick-or-treaters who never show up because this is the house of a freakin' crime lord, and then he gets all mopey and depressed until Thanksgiving rolls around and I can distract him with pie."
"Ah," Jeff says. The funk Jared gets into around Halloween is kind of legendary. Jeff, and most everyone else in the organization, had just learned to ignore it. He says as much to Jensen, and the look he gets from the ex-assassin makes him really wish he had kept his mouth shut.
"I don't like it when Jared's upset, Jeffery," Jensen says in a slow, cold tone. "Even if it's his own damn fault for having unrealistic expectations. And if I can do something this year to try and keep that damn beaten puppy look off his face, I will do it. You hear me?"
Jeff hears him. "Okay, I get where you're coming from. But, to instigate a whole house lockdown, well... that would get a lot of feathers ruffled. Me, my team, Murray, Cortese, Cassidy, Welling... I could go on and list everybody who would either be involved, or want to know what was going on, but you get the idea. There would be a lot very pissed, very dangerous people who would not be amused."
"Then they can come to me with their grievances," Jensen says. "I'm sure I can... handle them."
Jeff swallows. "You know Jared doesn't want you killing Chad. I'm sure that ban goes for everybody else in the organization too."
Jensen looks almost offended. "I'm not gonna kill them, Jeff. Jesus, how bloodthirsty do you think I am?"
Again, Jeff very wisely doesn't say anything.
"If anyone has a problem I'll talk to them and explain my reasoning," Jensen says. "And if that doesn't work, then I'll kill them."
"Yeah, you know, let's look at some other options first, huh?" Jeff rolls his shoulders and tries to think of the best, least offensive way to put what he wants to say. "Have you tried... I don't mean to overstep my boundaries, but... I mean, have you thought about trying to..." Jeff sighs. There was a time when he thought nothing of talking to Jensen using the filthiest innuendo possible, just to watch a sweet flush spread across the younger man's freckled skin. Now he can't even get the word s-e-x out of his mouth without fearing that Jensen might finally decide to retaliate for all the previous, completely (mostly) innocent advances. He tries one more time. "Have you thought about distracting him with, uh-"
"Stop." Jensen raises one of his hands. "Please, stop. Watching you try and skirt an issue is incredibly painful." He cocks his head to the side. "You didn't use to be so shy about sex. In fact," Jensen's grin is pure wickedness, "if I remember correctly, there was even one time, right after I came here, that you actually goosed me."
Jeff bites back a groan. Like he really needed to be reminded of that incident. He thinks about defending himself, but decides that saying 'sorry, back then I thought you were a prostitute' might just make the hole he's in even deeper.
Jensen's obviously feeling a bit magnanimous because he steers the conversation back to the problem at hand. "Yes, to answer your unspoken question, I have tried distracting Jared with sex. And, I'm man enough to admit, it doesn't work. I'm not just talking vanilla sex, either," Jensen says, annoyance clear on his face. "I'm talking toys, outfits, roleplaying..." Jensen leans forward across Jeff's desk. "I offered to let him tie me up. Do you know what he said?"
"Yes, please?"
"He said, 'Maybe tomorrow, baby, I've got to finish carving this pumpkin.' A pumpkin, Jeff." Jensen put his elbows on the desk, and rested his head in his hands. "That was last year, and when I first realized that whatever hold this holiday has on Jared - whether it's a second childhood thing, or some way for him to try and reclaim some long-lost innocence - I know I can't handle it alone." He reaches across and grabs one of Jeff's hands. "I spent most of my life without a lot of... friends. But now that I have some, I'm not above utilizing them to my advantage. So, help me. Okay?"
Jeff uses his free hand to rub the bridge of his nose. This used to be such an easy job. "First, I'm glad you consider me one of your new friends. Second, you might want to work on your social niceties. Third, while I still don't think a lockdown is the best option, I will help."
"Thank you!" Jensen releases Jeff's hand and rubs his own together. "But if not a lockdown, then what?"
Jeff eases back in his chair and lets his eyes focus on the far wall. There's something coalescing in his mind. Two things Jensen had said - one about Jared, one about himself - are coming together and forming an interesting idea. "I think I've got something," he says, "but you might have to work to sell it to everyone."
"Threats or persuasion?"
"Both."
Jensen looks intrigued. "I'm listening."
___________
Jared knows there's this giant, doofy smile on his face, but he can't quite seem to care. The sun is just starting to rise on the first day in November, and with the encroaching daylight he can more clearly see what an absolute shambles his backyard is. It matches the mess inside.
"Hey," Jensen says, stepping out onto the verada, "just you let you know, Superman and Lex Luthor are hooking up in the laundry room."
"Huh. About time," Jared says. Mike and Tom had been dancing around each other for years and all it took was each of them making a serendipitous choice regarding a costume-mandatory Halloween party to get their heads out of their asses. "Wait. Why the laundry room?"
Jensen scowls. "Spin cycle."
"Oh. Ewww."
"I know. It was time for us to get a new washer anyway. I'll call Sears later today." Jensen shakes his head, and his scowl melts into a shy smile as he sidles up to his boyfriend. Jared immediately wraps one arm around Jensen's shoulders and draws him close. At some point during the night Jensen had lost the worn, tan Stetson that completed his cowboy outfit - Jared feels a ping of regret 'cause damn, if that wasn't one of the hottest things he'd ever seen - and, with the hat gone, he's able to lean in and nuzzle Jensen's hair.
"Thank you," Jensen says, "for the party."
Jared grins. Between Jensen's unusually heartfelt admission that he missed the kind of Halloween parties he used to go to as a kid, and the not-so-clandestine looks shared by Jensen, Jeff, and several others in the organization, Jared's pretty sure he was manipulated into throwing this shindig. He can't work up any indignation, though, not when he understands that the co-conspirators had his best interests at heart. Jared knows that he usually gets pretty bummed by his Halloween plans never turning out as awesome as he hopes, and the fact that Jensen worked with the others and did this for him is all kinds of sweet. Plus... "Dude, you managed to get everyone to dress up. Everyone. In costumes. That's thanks enough." He kisses the side of Jensen's face and works down to his lightly stubbled jaw. "How did you pull that off, anyway?"
Jensen arches his neck to give Jared better access. "An even mix of eyelash batting and intimidation."
"Ah. A winning combination." Jared pulls back a bit. He's pretty sure Mike and Tom aren't the only 'guests' still around - unless Chris just forgot his big, round shield thing - and he'd rather not put on a free show. "Wanna go back to our room and help me burn off my sugar high?"
Jensen lets his fingers trail down Jared's ruffled shirt to where an imitation flintlock is tucked into his belt. "Lead the way, mon capitaine."
"Awesome. But first, find your hat, okay?"
"Yee haw."
end
![[identity profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/openid.png){kind=small}
no subject
Date: 2010-11-07 01:47 am (UTC)Heee~! This was awesome. It's a strangely innocent little world, despite being populated by hitmen and crimelords ;).
btw- only one mention of Chris Evans?! I'm just going to assume you're still on a Peep-induced sugar high ;)
no subject
Date: 2010-11-08 12:27 am (UTC)Yeah... I'm not entirely certain as to how I'm pulling that off. ;D
btw- only one mention of Chris Evans?!
I'm working on a whole fic filled with Chris Evans. Be patient. :P
no subject
Date: 2010-11-08 04:45 am (UTC)Heh. And Yaaay~!