saone | J3 AU Fic: Two's Company; Three's a Headache of Epic Proportions (1/1) R

Title: Two's Company; Three's a Headache of Epic Proportions
Author:

saone77
Summary: AU. Jared and Jeff are business rivals who compete in everything, including trying to win the affection of Jensen, a high class escort. Unfortunately, the only thing they're really succeeding at is driving Jensen bonkers.
Characters: Jensen/Jared, Jensen/Jeff, J3
Rating: R
Warnings: Not betad, grammarians beware.
Word Count: 4102
Disclaimer: This is cracktastic fiction.
Notes: Originally written for Working Hard for the Money back in August, I realized, while making up my fic masterlist, that I had never actually posted this to my journal. Whoops.

It's been a long, hard night, and all Jensen wants as he opens the door to his house is a muffin for breakfast, a nice soak in the tub, and eight to ten quality hours with his Tempur-pedic. What he absolutely doesn't want is his roommate scowling at him from the middle of the flower shop that used to be their living room.

"Look, I was okay with the new espresso machine, and the plasma t.v., and the rotisserie grill, and the hot tub, and all the other goodies your two sugar daddies have gifted you with," Chris says, arms crossed and a fierce expression on his face that's totally ruined by a humongous sneeze. "Aw, Jesus, this kind of shit is not acceptable. You hear me?" He sneezes three more times in rapid succession. "Dammit!"

"Fuck," Jensen says, turning slowly and taking everything in.

Chris snorts, and rubs at his reddened eyes. "Pretty sure that's where your problems started, man."

Jensen's not amused. "Who are they from?" he asks, already moving towards one of the many arrangements to find a card. He had spent the night with Jared, but he certainly wouldn't put it past the younger man to have arranged for Jensen to have a special 'romantic' surprise waiting at the end of a long night of wining, dining, and fucking.

He's wrong though, because the name on the card is his other client cum suitor. Jensen rolls his eyes, gets his phone out of his pocket, and thumbs through his contacts. The call picks up right away, like the man on the other end was just sitting waiting for him. Hell, he probably was.

"Jensen!" Jeff's voice is warm, and affectionate, and makes Jensen want to drive down to his office and strangle him. "Did you like your gifts? I thought you'd appreciate having something beautiful to look at after what I'm sure was a... less than enjoyable evening for you."

Jensen pinches the bridge of his nose. "Jeff, I," he sighs, "I appreciate the gesture, but-" he's interrupted as Chris lets out another window-rattling sneeze.

"What the hell was that?" Jeff asks, concerned.

"My roommate's hayfever."

"Oh. Oh." Jeff clears his throat. "I'll just, uh, some of my people will be there in ten minutes to remove everything."

"That would be awesome. Thanks. You know, there are a couple of nursing homes in the area, I'm sure they'd be happy to take the arrangements." Jensen listens for an affirmative, but all he can hear is some heavy breathing. "Jeff?"

"You're the whole package, aren't you, kid?" Jeff says, his voice rough. "Gorgeous face, body that won't quit, and a heart as big and warm as your home state. God. Jensen, please, let me-"

"Jeff."

"I just want to-"

"No, I-"

"I'll make you happy. I swear, I'll take care-"

"IreallyhavetogoI'llseeyoutomorrowbye!" Jensen hits the end button, throws his phone on the couch and backs away like it's going to reach up and bite him. Or broadcast more soppy declarations of love. He's honestly not sure which option terrifies him more.

"Jensen," Chris says, "when you first started this I told you that if you ever needed me to knock some heads and kick some asses, I'd be there, no questions asked. That still stands."

Jensen smiles, and before Chris can put up any kind of defense he envelops the slightly shorter man in a hug, snotty nose and all. Chris squawks, but wraps his arms around Jensen's back and squeezes all the same.

"I'll be fine," Jensen says. "It's not even really about me, it's about them and their damn competitions. Soon enough something new will come along they'll both have to have, and they'll forget about me. Guarantee it."

Chris pulls away, doubt clear on his face. "You sure?"

"Definitely," Jensen says with a cheery, and completely fake smile.

___________

If there's one thing that Jensen truly hates about his current profession - besides the fact that he'd need to off himself or enter witness protection if his momma ever found out - it's that a good majority of his clients want to save him.

He really doesn't get it, and he knows damn well that the other guys at the agency don't run into that problem nearly as much. Even before Jared and Jeff started their little war to book up all his time, Jensen still had to deal with well-intentioned, but clueless CEOs and the like who wanted to take him away from his horrible and degrading life, and set him up in a nice condo. Far away from their real families, of course.

Jensen smiled, and demurred, and if they kept it up he dropped their asses off his client list.

That's the one thing that most of his clients never get - Jensen is the one with the power. It's the reason he agreed to work for CW, Inc. in the first place. Sure, the money he makes for just a few hours of his time and energy is amazing, but he also has right of refusal on not just all kinks and sex acts, but on the johns themselves. He's walked out on guys who wanted more than he was wiling to give, and he's also walked out on guys who didn't bother with basic hygiene. Jensen's gotten used to certain kinds of debasement, but some things are just ewww.

Technically, Jensen knows he could do that with Jared and Jeff too. He could, should, drop them both like hot potatoes and get some of his regular clients back. Jensen's thought about it. A lot. But then he also thinks about being called into his boss' office and Dawn telling him how much Jared and Jeff have both spent trying to get more time with him - triple, sometimes even quadruple his going rate - and Jensen thinks of his cut, and all those zeros transferring into bank account.

So, yeah, the money's a big part of why Jensen's still seeing both of them, but he also... dammit... he also kind of... likes them. Which is stupid, and wrong, and goes against the first commandment of hooking or something.

Jared and Jeff are hot, and smart, and funny - witty funny and goofy funny - and, of course, are richer than sin.

They're also numbnuts who've been competing against each other both private and publicly for about a year.

JTP Enterprises and Morgan International both have something to do with technology - Jensen's still not sure about the specifics, no matter how many times Jared and Jeff try to explain things - so they go after the same contracts, the same resources, and the same highly sought after professionals. Jensen's pretty sure that in the beginning the whole 'feud' thing was mostly ginned up by the media. Why Jared and Jeff decided to believe and play into the hype instead of being two, mature adults about the whole thing, Jensen'll never know. Competing companies suddenly became competing CEOS. Sports cars, race cars, horses, planes... whoever had the fastest, newest, best toy won each round, until, for some reason about four months ago, both Jared and Jeff turned their attentions, and energies, and money on Jensen.

It's been exhausting with each of them trying to one-up the other, and Jensen in the middle being pulled on like his older brother's Stretch Armstrong doll. And each time Jensen thinks of that analogy he can't help but remember how the thing's rubberbands snapped and its limbs all went flying off in different directions. Scared the hell out of the dog. And his sister.

Jensen can only hope that Jared and Jeff move onto something bigger and brighter soon before he falls deeper than he should. Or his joints give out. Whichever comes first.

___________

Jensen does get his muffin, and a soak, but he only manages four hours of blissful sleep before Chris is kicking the foot of his bed.

"One of your boytoys is here," he practically growls.

"Motherfuck." Jensen presses his face into one of his pillows and thinks about leaving it there for a while. He wonders how long smothering takes.

Chris kicks the bedframe again. "Don't even think about killing yourself until you take care of this shit."

"Yeah, yeah." Jensen drags himself out of his comfy little nest. "Which one is it?" he asks with a yawn.

"The tall one who looks like he can bench press a Buick." Chris narrows his eyes. "You sure you don't need any asses kicked?"

Jensen thinks about it. "I'll let you know." He rolls out of bed and, without bothering to put anything on over his pajama pants and sleep shirt, pads down the hallway, Chris close behind him.

Sure enough, Jared's standing in the blessedly flower-free living room. He's inspecting, but thankfully not touching, one of Chris' guitars. Chris makes a little noise of derision, but he goes into the kitchen, leaving the two of them alone.

"Hey," Jared says, bright and happy, eyes raking over Jensen's form, full of... okay, that's just ridiculous. Jensen knows he looks like a hot mess. There's no reason in the world why Jared should have desire in his eyes.

"Why are you here?" Jensen asks, deciding to get straight to the point.

Jared's smile dims a bit. "I know your schedule, and Jeff doesn't have you until tomorrow, so I thought if you're free today then-"

Jensen holds up a hand. "Dude, there's a reason I have at least a day off between appointments. I'm sorry if you thought you could get an extra day of fucking, but I need to rest." He knows he's being rude, and more than a little bit hard, but he's tired and grumpy, dammit.

"I-I would never, I... No!" Jared looks truly appalled and kind of wounded. "You really think that?"

Jensen shrugs.

"I thought we could spend a little more time together. Maybe watch a movie or two." Jared's eyes flick over to the plasma on the wall. "You do have that awesome television," he says with a tiny smile that disappears as quickly as it came. "It's just... He's gonna have you through the weekend. I'm not gonna see you for nearly five days. I needed..." He trails off and looks absurdly lost for someone so huge and capable.

Jensen knows what he's about to do is stupid. He knows that he should berate Jared for having the gall to come to his fucking house on his day off. And then he should kick his over-sized ass to the curb. Or let Chris do it. Well... no one ever said he was smart.

"Jared, I need to get some more sleep." Jensen watches as Jared's face falls a bit. Stupid, stupid, stupid. He reaches out a hand. Stupid. And beckons towards himself. Stupid, stupid. "Come on."

"Jensen?" Jared looks confused, and then absurdly hopeful as Jensen starts walking backwards towards his bedroom.

"No sex," Jensen says.

"Fucking right, no sex!" Chris shouts out from the kitchen, startling Jared as he passes. He sticks his head out of the doorway and pins Jensen with a disturbingly parental look.

"I'll be fine," Jensen says, taking Jared's hand.

Chris snorts and turns the full force of one of his special glares on Jared. "You take one step outta line, boy, and I'll fuck you up so bad even your DNA won't be recognizable."

Jared swallows. "Yes, sir."

Jensen laughs and tugs Jared down the hall, leaving Chris shaking his head and probably cursing all three of their names. When he gets Jared into his room the enormity of his idiocy hits him. But Jared's acting like Jensen gave him the keys to the kingdom, and that helps cut down on any embarrassment.

"I like it," Jared says, turning slowly, a dazzling grin on his face. "It's you."

"Yeah, well..." Jensen clears his throat. "Shoes, pants, and outer shirt off. Keep the rest."

"No sex," Jared says, eyes twinkling.

"No sex." Jensen climbs into bed, and a few seconds later he feels the warmth and weight of Jared behind him. Jared presses against his back, and Jensen tries to tamp down on the almost Pavlovian arousal that's coming from such close contact. Jared's fingers trail down his cloth covered stomach. One of his long legs nudges between Jensen's thighs.

"No sex?" Jared's voice is a whisper and a promise of all sorts of naughty things.

Jensen's voice is a whisper and a promise also. "Chris has a knife collection in the back of his closet." Jensen stifles his laughter as Jared jerks away so hard he almost rolls off the bed.

"So," Jared says after he situates himself again, with much less touching this time, "you and Chris..."

"Friends. Good friends. One of my best."

"I'm glad that, you know, that you've got someone like that. Someone who protects you."

"Jared..." Jensen sighs. He knows where this conversation's going, he had just hoped that since they had had a similar one not more than twelve hours ago he might have lucked out this round.

"I could do that." Jared presses his mouth against Jensen's hair. "I would take such good care of you, Jensen."

And there it is. Jensen pushes his face into his pillow. "Go to sleep, Jared," he says, voice muffled, but firm.

___________

When Jeff first suggested a long weekend on his sailboat, Jensen was more than a little hesitant. Now, after having spent who knows how long watching a pod of dolphins frolic less than twenty feet away from him he's glad he approved the excursion.

Jensen feels Jeff slide behind him, and a strong arm pulls him back against a warm, firm chest. He settles into the hold, enjoying it more than he should. "This is amazing," he says.

"Knew you'd like it," Jeff's voice is a rumble by his ear. He kisses the side of Jensen's head. "Knew it would make you happy."

Jensen nods. He is happy. His heart feels lighter than it has for years. That's probably why he's not expecting what's coming next.

"I love how you look when you're happy," Jeff says. "I want to see that all the time."

Alarm bells are starting to go off.

"Move in with me."

Jensen's "What?!" is loud enough to startle some of the dolphins.

Jeff maneuvers Jensen until they're both sitting facing each other. He takes Jensen's hands in his. "Move in with me," he says. "Let me take care of you. Get you away from your life, away from... people."

Jensen raises an eyebrow. This, this is why he wasn't too keen on the idea of a boat trip. "You gonna lock me away in a tower, Jeff?"

"Of course not. That didn't come out right." He deflates a bit, but his grip on Jensen's hands remains strong. "It's just, the thought of you out there, selling yourself... It pains me, Jensen. You should spend every second of the day being loved, and adored, and-"

"Taken care of?"

"Yes!" Jeff grins, like maybe he's finally gotten through to the poor, desperate hooker with the heart of gold.

Jensen lets out a heavy sigh. This was going to be one long-ass weekend.

___________

It's Jensen's day off. He's settling in from his trip with Jeff, while simultaneously getting himself ready for whatever Jared might have planned - he's sure the younger man knows about the sailboat thing, and he's probably already bought a yacht.

He's doing laundry and half dreading, half anticipating Jared just showing up at his door again, when raised voices from outside catch his attention.

He races to the front of the house, phone in hand, ready to call the police, or paramedics, or whoever might be needed. He throws open the door and his brain sort of stutters to a stop.

Evidently Jared wasn't the only one who decided he could drop by on Jensen's day off.

"You just had him!" Jared's yelling, his face red, and arms waving, and looking imposing as hell.

"Yeah, and if you weren't such a little prick, I'd still have him!" Jeff's just as loud and holding his own.

"You don't deserve him!"

"I deserve him more than you do!"

"You son of a bitch!"

"You self-centered bastard!"

So, Jensen does the only thing one can do when two multi-millionaires are are about ready to duke it out on one's front yard. He turns the hose on them.

They yelp, and shriek, and Jensen immediately feels a little bad because in a manner of seconds he's managed to transform two alpha males into a couple of drowned rats. And then he feels bad for feeling bad. And then something snaps, and it's enough. He has had enough.

"You two... I can't... This is just... Get off my lawn!" Jensen's knows that if his vision wasn't tinged with red he'd be more than a little appalled at the spectacle he's making of himself - he's pretty sure he just did some arm flailing - and, oh great, they've drawn a crowd.

"I believe the man said to get off his lawn." Tom, from across the street has appeared, followed by his partner, Mike, who looks a little too gleeful at the possibility of a violent encounter. Aldis and Beth from one house down are coming over too, and Jensen can see other doors opening and heads peering out.

Steve's got his cell out. "You want us to call the cops, Jensen?"

"No." The last thing Jensen wants is to involve the cops in any of this. "What I want is for these two to leave. Now."

Jared's looking around with wide eyes, like he's not exactly sure what's going on, but his head snaps back around to Jensen. "No. I mean, yeah, I'll leave if you really want me to, but... Jensen, I love you."

Jensen's righteous anger almost immediately dissipates. He hates himself for the hope that those three words inspire. Maybe-

"No," Jeff says with a shove to Jared's shoulder, "I love him."

And the righteous anger's back. With a hopeless chaser. Awesome.

"Stop!" Jensen's voice stills the two men. "This isn't about love, and both of you know it. You don't care about me. My involvement in this has been incidental. You care about each other, and-"

"If I may interject?" It's Misha, from next door, looking staid and solemn. "This isn't the type of thing that gets talked about at neighborhood association meetings, or Christmas parties, but my wife is a psychologist specializing in polyarmorous relationships, and-"

Jensen smacks a hand to his face. "Oh, sweet Jesus."

"And she would be more than willing to talk to the three of you, if you-"

Jensen spins on his heel, goes back inside his house, and locks the door. Then he pushes an armchair in front of it, just in case.

___________

"I can't anymore! I just can't!" Jensen knows he's yelling, and pacing, and generally ranting like a madman. But he doesn't seem to care, even though, Dawn, his boss and usually a very no-nonsense kind of woman, is looking a little spooked.

"Jensen," she says, "you need to calm down."

"Calm down?" He stops pacing long enough to stare at her. "How am I supposed to calm down? They're going to break my rubberbands!" He collapses into one of the chairs by her desk. "Rubberbands," he moans pitifully.

"Okay, that's it. I know I've been pushing you for the past few months, trying to take advantage of the situation, and I'm..." Dawn takes a deep breath, "sorry. I'm. Sorry."

Jensen stares at her, too traumatized to hide his own shock.

"I think," Dawn goes on, "that it's time for you to take a vacation. Get your head back on straight."

"Yeah," Jensen says, "I do need to get my head straight. But it's not time for a vacation. It's time for me to quit."

___________

Jensen arrives at his parents' house on Friday afternoon. His mother takes one look at him and sends him right up to his old room for a nap. When he emerges, three hours later, there's a freshly baked chocolate pie waiting on the kitchen counter.

There's no pressure to talk, so he doesn't. He just enjoys the novel feeling of uncomplicated warmth. And the pie. He really enjoys the pie.

___________

Four days into the visit at his parents and Jensen still hasn't opened up to them. He keeps himself busy and hopes that the newly cleaned garage and re-grouted tubs will distract them enough to keep any worries at bay, for a little while at least.

The truth is, even if he sugarcoated it and left out the more damning details - like the whole 'prostitute' thing - there's still not a lot his parents could do. What kind of advice do you offer a guy who was stupid enough to develop feelings for two other guys who were just using him as a pawn in one of their competitions? Suck it up, and try not to be such a dumbass next time? Yeah, Jensen had already given himself that little pep talk. He likes repression and denial better.

Wow, those shutters really need re-painting.

___________

Chris calls at the beginning of his second week in Dallas. Jensen is stupidly eager as he answers the phone. His parent's house is cleaner and in better condition than it's ever been before, and Jensen knows he's one woe-is-me thought away from doing yard work for the neighbors.

"Have you checked your e-mail?"

Jensen blinks. "Hi, Chris! How are you? I'm fine, glad you-"

"Jesus Christ, stop being such a passive aggressive little bitch and tell me you've checked your e-mail."

Jensen rolls his eyes, but heads toward his laptop. He stopped looking at e-mail a few days after arriving. He kept getting messages from Dawn promising all sorts of things if he would just agree to come back after his 'sabbatical'. When he found himself actually considering it for a 401k and dental, he closed the computer and hadn't opened it since.

"Okay," Jensen says after the browser's opened and he's cringed at the number of messages in his inbox, "what am I looking for?"

"I sent you something."

"Here we go. It's... dude, you read Huffpost?"

"Just open the damn thing!"

"Fine, un-knot your shorts. It's... Oh." Jensen stares at the words on the screen. "Two tech giants stop their rivalry."

"Keep going."

"JTP Enterprises and Morgan International have released a joint statement saying they are no longer going to compete against one another, and instead are going to work side by side sharing technologies and ideas in order to-"

"Blah, blah, blah, you can read the rest on your own time," Chris says. "So, turns out your two yahoos aren't that bad. Though Jared can't hold his liquor worth a damn."

"Huh?" Jensen's trying to get his mind back on track. It's really freakin' hard. "You, wait, what?"

"Jared and Jeff. They've been over a few times after their sessions at Misha's house. I kinda wanted to suss them out a bit, you know?"

"You, wait, what?!" Jensen shakes his head. "Misha's house?"

"Yeah. Vikki, his wife, she does this couples counseling. Or, well, I guess it's not really for couples-"

"And Jared and Jeff have been going there?"

"Yep."

"And they're not competing any more?"

"Well, I'm wiling to bet you're gonna have one hell of a haul at Christmas, but as for maliciously competing, nope."

"And they still want me?"

"Did you hit your head or something?"

Jensen swallows. "One more question?"

"Shoot."

"Am I dreaming?"

"Jensen... Come on home."

___________

So he does.

Chris greets him with a hug and a slap upside the head. Jensen unpacks, and showers, and when he goes back into the living room Jared and Jeff are sitting on the couch.

He stares at them, and they stare at him, and it's all kinds of awkward until Chris yells from the the kitchen, "Will one of you three idiots make a move already?!"

Jensen barely has time to blink before he's being enveloped by two sets of arms. Jared and Jeff. Jeff and Jared.

He kind of melts.

And he knows it's going to be hard work, and the odds are against them, and they're going to have to keep up with therapy, and they might not even make it, and oh dear God, he's going to have to come up with something to tell his mother. But all of those are worries for another day because Jeff's nuzzling his ear, and Jared's nuzzling his neck.

"We're gonna take such good care of you," someone murmurers.

And maybe that's not such a bad thing after all.

___________

end

Flat | Top-Level Comments Only

From:

big-heart-june.livejournal.com

Great fic to wake up to! I loved it, your Jensen voice is hilarious! :DD

Thanks a lot, as always! ♥

From:

Blah, Blah, Blah...

J3 AU Fic: Two's Company; Three's a Headache of Epic Proportions (1/1) R

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