saone | Killer Romance Fic: Anything but Common 1/1 J2AU

Title: Anything but Common
Series: Killer Romance aka The Adventures of crimeboss!Jared and ex-assassin!Jensen
Author:

saone77
Summary: AU. Misery doesn't always love company, but Jared always loves Jensen, even if he is kind of gross at the moment.
Characters: J2, and some Losers.
Rating: PG
Warnings: Not betad, grammarians beware. Mentions of icky, sicky bodily functions.
Word Count: 2084
Disclaimer: This is indulgent, cracktastic fiction.
Notes: So, every series needs schmoopy, h/c sick!fic, right?

Jared loves Jensen with the heat of a thousand suns, and the passion of a thousand poets, and the... something else of a lot of something elses. Point is, he's pretty much head over heels for the guy and would do anything in his considerable power to keep Jensen happy, and safe, and secure.

But sometimes there are enemies that even Jared's influence, or money, or general bad-assery can't stop. Sometimes Jensen takes a hit, and all Jared can do is try to help him through it and make things right once it's over.

Jared's waiting outside his bedroom door. Jeff and the rest of his team are a respectable distance down the hall. Doctor Ferris has been in the bedroom with Jensen for close to thirty minutes, though it seems like it's been longer. If Jared's frequently checked watch didn't tell him different, he'd have thought they'd been waiting for hours.

Finally, the door opens, and Sam steps out. She looks a bit perturbed, but not overly surprised, to find Jared hovering so close.

"Well," Jared asks anxiously, "is he gonna be okay?"

Sam looks at him, then looks down the hall to where the other men are standing stoically. Well, most of them are being stoic, Chris is wringing his hands. Sam rolls her eyes and snorts. "Oh, for God's sake, Jensen's going to be fine! He's got a common cold, not the Black Plague." She steps fully out into the hallway and closes the door behind her.

"But, but," Jared grabs Sam's upper arm and holds onto it despite the epic stinkeye he gets, "Sam, he coughed, and there was stuff, and it came up, and it was yellow! And not like nice yellow, it was like day-glo, highlighter yellow. And it came out of his mouth." Jared loves Jensen's mouth and he really doesn't want to think of it as a gateway to icky, yellow goo, especially if said icky, yellow goo is clogging up his boyfriend's lungs.

"The human body is disgusting, Jared," Sam says, "and it gets even more disgusting when it's trying to fight off a virus. I'm not saying that yellow mucus is good - it obviously isn't - but Jensen is young and healthy, and with proper care he'll be fine." She reaches up and pats the hand that's still on her arm. "Now get the hell off of me."

Jared drops his hold and takes a few steps backward. "Sorry, sorry," he says. "This is just the first time Jensen's gotten sick since I've known him. I mean, he has allergies, but-"

Sam holds up a hand. "Stop. Just make sure he spends most of the next few days resting, and when he's not resting, make sure he's drinking something. Give him an anti-inflammatory for his fever, a decongestant for the crud in his head, an expectorant for the crud in his lungs, and hot tea with lemon and honey for his throat. Oh, and make sure you keep him away from anything sharp."

"You think he might try and hurt himself?!" Jared asks in disbelief.

"No, I think he might try and hurt you." Sam looks back towards the closed door. "He's a grumpy bastard when he's under the weather."

"He can't be any worse now than when he is in the mornings before he gets property caffeinated," Jared says. "I still have a scar from when he threw a mug at me the first morning after he moved in." He smiles wistfully and lightly touches the tiny sliver of raised skin by his hairline. "All I had back then was a French press, but Jensen couldn't figure out how to work it without fully opening his eyes, and Jensen's eyes don't fully open until he's had his coffee. It was a vicious circle. I'm just glad he couldn't see well enough to find the steak knives."

Sam stares at him. "Uh huh." She pinches the bridge of her nose. "Look, if he's not better in four days, or the stuff coming out of him turns green-"

"GREEN?!"

"-Give me a call." Sam's muttering something under her breath as she stalks off down the hall. The security team parts around her then hustles over to Jared for an update.

"Well?" Chris asks.

"Sam said it's a cold," Jared says gravely.

"Wait a minute," Idris says, frowing, "a cold? We're getting all worked up for a cold? I thought he had, like, pneumonia or something." He sounds oddly dejected.

"Um," Columbus says, "so did I. A simple cold really isn't that big of a deal, Jay."

Jeff looks pained. "As long as Jensen doesn't have fever based delusions and kill us all in our sleep."

"Will you guys stop," Jared says. "First of all, yellow stuff came out of his lungs, guys."

"That does sound serious," Chris says, "and also really, really gross."

"Thank you," Jared says to Chris. "And, secondly, if Jensen's fever is high enough for him to have delusions - not that I'm going to let it get that bad - he's probably not even going to be able to get out of bed, let alone stalk anyone to their bedrooms. Just make sure you stay out of arm's reach and you'll be fine." Jared thinks for a moment. "I mean, I'm pretty sure Jen doesn't have any throwing knives stashed around the bed, but even if he does, he's super uncoordinated right now; you'd most likely be able to dodge them." Jared notices the wide-eyes stares of his men. "What?"

______________

When Jensen wakes up he has an awful moment of not knowing where he is, of not even remembering what his last job was. Then his eyes focus and his brain kicks in. He's home, in his and Jared's bed, thank God. But he still has gaps in his memory because he has no idea what happened to him. Jensen feels like he's been beaten to hell - his face feels swollen, there's this horrible pressure in his chest, and just about every muscle in his body aches.

He makes some kind of noise and Jared's immediately there, looming over him with a worried, yet sweetly concerned look on his face.

"How are you doing?" Jared asks. "Are you okay? Of course you're not okay, duh, Jared. Do you want some juice, ice chips, honey lemon tea?"

Jensen opens his mouth, but before he can ask what the hell is going on, and is the other guy at least worse off than Jensen, he's taken over by a coughing fit. Jared's right there, helping him to sit up. One hand starts rubbing Jensen's upper back and the other holds a tissue under Jensen's face.

"Spit," Jared says firmly. Jensen spits.

Part of Jensen really wants to make a crack about how Jared usually likes it when he swallows, but a much larger part is busy just trying to remember how to breath.

"Oh, God," Jensen groans when he finally gets himself under control, "what happened?" He focuses his bleary eyes on Jared. "And what the hell are you doing?"

Jared's got a tissue full of the stuff Jensen just hacked up in one hand and an LED flashlight in the other. "I'm checking to make sure it's not green." Jared shoves the tissue back under Jensen's face. "Does this look green?"

Jensen thinks everything looks green as he claps a hand over his mouth and forces the meager contents of his stomach back down where they belong.

"Whoops," Jared says, looking sheepish. "My bad. I'll ask Chris later." Jared lets the nasty tissue drop to the floor, then he reaches toward something on the nightstand. Jensen hears a squelch and the smell of anti-bacterial gel fills the air.

Jensen swallows a few times, then says, "what's wrong with me, and don't sugarcoat it, Jay."

"You're sick," Jared says, rubbing his hands together.

"Sick? Sick?!" Jensen's voice breaks as he croaks. "No, that's not it; I don't get sick. I never get sick."

"Uh, evidently you do. Do I need to show you the tissue again?"

Jensen tries to punch his boyfriend's thigh but instead watches as his arm just sort of flops to the side. "I'm dying, aren't I?"

"Of course not," Jared says, gently stroking Jensen's cheek. "Sam was by earlier and she said you'd be fine. I just need to take care of you."

"Sam." Jensen furrows his brow as he tries to remember. "I think... Oh, crap. I think I may have threatened to disembowel her." Jensen cringes. He's pretty sure all of his shots are going to really hurt from now on.

"It's okay," Jared says, "we'll send her one of those fruit flower basket things."

"Better make it muffins, just in case," Jensen says. "Or maybe some Godiva."

"An apology in chocolate form; got it." Jared reaches towards the nightstand again and comes back this time with a handful of pills and a bottle of water. "Take these."

Jensen dutifully takes the pills. The cool water feels heavenly going down his throat.

Jared presents Jensen with a package of Saltines. "Now, have some of these. I've got Cook making chicken soup for later, but you need to eat something with the pills."

The gurgle Jensen's stomach lets out is even louder than the rattling in his chest. Homemade chicken soup sounds divine.

Jared stands up and rounds the bed as Jensen dutifully munches some crackers. "Chad's downstairs, ready to put out any fires," he says, opening the armoire that holds the bedroom's television and Blu-ray player, "so, I'm thinking Monty Python marathon."

Jensen watches him fondly. "Jay, you don't have to stay with me."

"I know I don't have to. I want to."

"You'll catch what I've got."

"Please," Jared says, settling on the other side of the bed, remote in hand, "I have the constitution of a Clydesdale." He lifts up one arm and waits expectantly.

Jensen holds out as long as he can, but he's tired, and he hurts, and he's still half convinced that because he feels so bad this is some kind of new, advanced super-bug, and he's probably going to die in his sleep. After a good minute of internal hemming and hawing, he scoots a few inches across the bed and under Jared's arm. He squirms and fidgets a bit until he's good and comfortable.

Jensen would never admit it out loud, but being curled up against Jared's warmth is already making him feel a little better. "Being curled up with you is already making me feel a little better." Jensen frowns. He's never actually heard his internal monoluge before.

Jared lets out a small chuckle and he holds Jensen even tighter. "Sick you is kind of adorable." He pushes a button on the remote.

"Shut up. Pillows don't talk."

"Yes, baby."

Jensen somehow manages to gather up enough strength to poke Jared in the soft spot between two ribs. "No pet names." Jensen's world starts to vibrate and it takes him a few moments to realize it's because Jared is laughing. "Pillows don't laugh, either," Jensen mumbles. He feels something gently press against the crown of his head, and somehow Jensen just knows it was a kiss.

"Duly noted... Darlin'."

Jared's obviously far too pleased with himself, but Jensen dozes off before he can even think of retaliating.

_____________

Five days later...

"Jeeeeen, I'm dying."

"Uh huh."

"No, seriously, what I have is, like, way worse than what you had."

"I know it is."

"I think your germs mutated or something."

"Wouldn't surprise me."

"And what I have is also way worse than what Chris, Columbus, and Idris have."

"Of course it is."

"Those guys are total whiners."

"Yep."

"And Idris is mean."

"I think so too."

"Are you sure I'm not gonna die?"

"Jared, do you think I would let that happen?"

"Definitely not! But, um, if I do die you have to promise to spread my ashes at the Skywalker Ranch and get Chewbacca to do my eulogy."

Jensen somehow manages to corral the insane amount of laughter that's threatening to bubble up out of him. "I promise. I also promise to totally not tease you about this conversation when you're feeling better." He kisses Jared on his icky, sweaty forehead, then he leans back in the bed and resigns himself to an immediate future that involves nothing beyond being cuddled. There's a tightness in Jensen's chest, but since he coughed up the last of his phlem a few days ago, he's pretty sure it's just love.

_____________

end

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Flat | Top-Level Comments Only

From:

batman-mcghee.livejournal.com

first of all - YAY AN UPDATE.

second, i too am feeling like utter crap so this helps. how did you know i needed this?

thank you!!

From:

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Killer Romance Fic: Anything but Common 1/1 J2AU

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