saone | Killer Romance Fic: Of Human Bonding 1/1 J2AU

Title: Of Human Bonding
Series: Killer Romance aka The Adventures of crimeboss!Jared and ex-assassin!Jensen
Author:

saone77
Summary: AU. When Jared sees Zoe-shaped cracks in his team's foundation, he decides to call in outside help.
Characters: J2, some Losers, two former camp owners (virtual cookies to anyone who recognizes them), and a nerd in a pear tree.
Rating: PG-13
Warnings: Not betad, grammarians beware.
Word Count: 5954
Disclaimer: This is indulgent, cracktastic fiction.
Notes: It seems like I have been working on this installment forever. This was one of those fics where I knew what I wanted to get across, but actually putting the right words in the right order turned out to be a massive task. However, everything seems to have worked out in the end - hopefully - and now I will attempt to rejoin the world of the living.

Jared waits until Jensen has swallowed his latest mouthful of coffee - because a spit-take would be hilarious, but the fall-out certainly wouldn't - before saying, "What do you think of team building exercises?"

Jensen coughs a little and blinks a few times. "You mean in general, or..."

"I mean for us."

Jensen raises an eyebrow.

"I mean not us us, obviously," Jared says quickly. "I mean for the team."

"The whole team?"

"No, just the security team."

Jensen makes a noncommittal noise and starts crunching on a mouthful of cereal. Jared can tell he's seriously pondering something so he patiently waits through the mastication and swallowing. Jensen licks his lips, then says, "Before I remind you that your security team is made up of highly trained, and competent, and kinda loony people, may I ask why?" He brightens. "Would it be just for kicks? It'd be funny if you did it just for kicks. Well, not for the motivational guy they're gonna murder, but-"

Jared scowls. "No, it wouldn't be for kicks," he says. "I'm concerned about the team's... dynamic."

"Dynamic?" Jensen repeats dubiously.

"Yeah. Don't get me wrong, I think you were right to bring Zoe in. She definitely adds a whole new dimension of menace to everything, but..." Jared sighs and uses his spoon to poke at the few remaining soggy cornflakes in his bowl. "Don't tell me you haven't noticed how weird everyone gets when she's around. And, I mean, I get it - she shot Chris and beat the crap outta Jeff; it's only natural for there to be some lingering ill will. But it's been a little while, and the tension seems to be getting worse, not better."

"Yeah," Jensen says, his drawl elongating the word and packing it full of some strange new meaning.

Jared perks up. "Yeah what?" he asks. "Do you know something? You do know something! What do you know, Jensen?!"

"I have no idea what you're talking about," Jensen says before he takes a tiny, demure sip of coffee.

"Bullshit." Jared leans forward across their breakfast table. "As leader of this organization I think it's my right to be informed of things that affect my people."

Jensen snorts. "You just want to gossip."

"Yeah, that too. Now, spill."

"Fine," Jensen says. He leans in too and lowers his voice, even though he and Jared are the only people in their private quarters. "Zoe's not exactly the easiest person to get along with, but the only one still really pissed about the shooting is Oscar-"

"Awww."

"I know, right? When he and Chris finally get a clue we're probably gonna have to look into soundproofing." Jensen's eyes are twinkling as he pulls back, checks the empty room, and leans in again. "Anyway, Zoe's default setting seems to be stuck on abrasive, and that's not exactly endearing, so it's causing some issues. But, from what I gather, the majority of the tension is between Zoe and Idris, but mostly because there's tension of a different kind between Zoe and Jeff. If you get what I mean?" Jensen smirks.

Jared blinks a few times. "No, I don't."

Jensen rolls his eyes. "Tension. Not so unresolved. Between Zoe and Jeff." He makes a few completely incomprehensible hand gestures.

"I have no idea what you're trying to-"

"Oh, for God's sake." Jensen makes a few more hand gestures and wriggles his eyebrows.

"Seriously, what's with the-"

"Sex, Jared!" Jensen says. "They're having sex!"

Jared does not gasp, but the air he draws in is short and kind of noisy. "No. Way."

Jensen smirks again - he's obviously very pleased with himself. "Way."

"Oh, my God, that's-"

"I know."

"I mean-" Jared pinches the bridge of his nose. "Aw, man. I just thought of Jeff having sex. Wow. Did not need that in my head." Jared frowns. "So, wait, why is there tension between Zoe and Idris? Does Idris want Zoe?" He does another not-gasp. "Holy crap on a stick, does Idris want Jeff?! Oh, God, there goes my brain again."

Jensen grimaces. "Yeah, mine too. Thanks for that. And, no, I'm pretty sure Idris isn't harboring any secret, sexual feelings towards Jeff." Jensen sticks his tongue out and makes a few faces. "Those are words I never need in my mouth again. Blergh. As for Zoe..." Jensen furrows his brow and thinks for a moment. "You know how psychopaths are kind of like betta fish?"

"Uh... They're pretty and like to live around the roots of aquatic plants?"

Jensen stares at him. "No, that's... No." He takes a deep breath. "Let me put it a different way; we don't always tend to play well with others, especially our own kind. I think that Idris is upset that he has to share Jeff's attention."

"Ah. Bros before hos," Jared says sagely.

"Yeah, don't ever say that again."

Jared raises an eyebrow. "Should you have maybe thought of the whole fish thing before you brought Zoe in?"

"We had several discussions about the matter," Jensen says, "but how was I supposed to know that Miss May was on the prowl for a Mr. December?"

"To be fair, Jeff's more like a November. Maybe a mid to late October."

"Whatever," Jensen says. "I'm sure, given time, things will work out just fine. I mean, Idris and I don't hardly try to kill each other at all any more. Mostly."

"Wow," Jared says. He leans back and rubs his chin thoughtfully. "This puts things in a whole different perspective."

"So you're scrapping the team building plan?" Jensen asks.

"Oh, no. No, no, no. I think we need that now more than ever."

"Really, Jay? Are you sure?"

"We need to get these issues out in the open, Jensen," Jared says. "Letting something like this fester will just lead to hurt feelings, and lower productivity, and bloodletting."

"I don't know," Jensen says, crossing his arms over his chest. "Talking can be overrated. Repression always seemed to work wonders for conflicts in my family."

"That explains so much," Jared says under his breath.

"What?"

"What?"

"You just-"

"Anyway," Jared says quickly, "that cinches it; I'm calling the motivational people as soon as I get into my office."

"Jared..." Jensen sighs and rubs a hand over his already messy hair. "Even if I concede that you might have a a point, I still don't think that bringing in a third party is the best way to handle this. Let's just do it in house. You can wear your deeply concerned face and badger everyone into some kind of catharsis."

"I don't badger," Jared says with huff. "Besides, the people I want to call are professionals, Jensen. They're trained to deal with situations like this. If I try and delve into the complexities of the team's interpersonal relationships I'd probably make an even bigger mess of things, and then where will we be?"

Jensen stares at him for a good, long minute. "They're bringing toys, aren't they?"

"No, of course not," Jared says. "They're bringing games! I looked over some of the stuff on their website, and it looks like so much fun! Seriously, it's gonna be like camp." Jared studies the frown pulling down Jensen's (still completely attractive) features. "Come on, Jen, don't be such a Debbie Downer. This is gonna awesome!"

"I'm not a Debbie Downer," Jensen scoffs. "Whatever. Do what you want. Just don't be surprised when everything ends in screams and tears, and Gabe has to come over to get suspicious red stains out of the carpet."

"Oh, yeah," Jared says softly, "you're a regular ray of sunshine."

"What?"

"What?"

"Did you-"

"More coffee?" Jared asks brightly, already reaching for the carafe. "Everything's gonna be fine, Jen. Trust me," he says as he pours, "I've got it all worked out."

Jensen harrumphs.

Jared grins and says, "You are so adorable when you're grumpy." He licks his lips and lets his eyes trail over Jensen's still sleepy face, and mussed up hair, and wrinkled pajamas. "Want to have a nooner?"

"It's eight-thirty."

"Want to have an eight-thirtyier?"

Jensen rolls his eyes even as his lips curl up into a smile. "Fine," he says. "You're lucky you're cute."

"Yeah," Jared says with a grin, "I know."

_____________

Three days pass and Jared is once again hit with the uncomfortably familiar feeling of waiting for Jensen to say 'I told you so'. He's standing out on the south lawn with a befuddled looking security team and two people from the motivational company. The duo aren't exactly what he had expected. Oh, they seem nice enough, but they're just so... just so...

"They're so perky," Jared says to himself. Or, at least he thought he was speaking to himself, but a far too amused snort from right behind his left shoulder alerts him to Jensen's presence. "Stupid, ninja boyfriend," Jared mutters. He raises his voice a bit and says as ominously as possible, "Not a word."

Jensen mimes buttoning his lips, but that doesn't do much to hide the mirth clearly still on his face. Jared crosses his arms over his chest and glowers at all and sundry. Any thoughts that Jared might have had about calling the whole thing off disappear in the face of Jensen's smugness. He makes a silent vow to see this through 'til the bitter end, even if they have to get out the bonesaws.

"All right," the male of the duo says, gaining everyone's attention. His voice is dripping with with what Jared thinks has to be fake enthusiasm. Either that or he's on something. "Let's get this party started! I'm Gary Granger!"

"And I'm Becky Martin-Granger!" his partner exclaims.

"And we understand that things have been kind of stressed around here lately." Gary's face falls into a comical frown.

"Stressed." Becky says with a frown of her own.

"That makes your boss, and us, sad."

"Very sad."

"So, we're here to get you folks back in tip-top shape!" Gary frown morphs into a manic smile. "Now, I know that change can be hard on a team's dynamic."

"Hard," Becky parrots, clasping her hands together and nodding solemnly.

"And sometimes interpersonal tensions can pop up."

"Through no fault of your own," Becky adds.

"But with a little work and a lot of F-U-N, we can steer this out-of-control ship around and get back to the port of productivity!"

Jensen lets out a loud bark of laughter. "Sorry," he says, his voice shaking. "Carry on."

Gary and Becky look a bit put out at their sales pitch being interrupted, but after a few rapid blinks those fervent smiles are plastered on their faces again. "Okay," Gary says, "well, someone's already got a good attitude, and good attitudes are what I like to call our metaphorical happy juice."

"We love our happy juice!" Becky says as she fist pumps.

Jensen claps a hand over his mouth, but a small, strangled sound of amusement still sneaks out.

"Oh, sweet Jesus," Jared mutters as he pinches the bridge of his nose.

"Okay," Gary says, "now, before we get started fortifying the foundations of our bridges, does anyone have any questions?"

The security team exchange bewildered glances. Chris hesitantly raises his hand. "Um," he says, looking at Jared, "are we being punished?"

Jensen snorts. Loudly.

Jared sighs. "No, no one's being punished."

"Are we being punk'd?" Columbus asks. He looks around. "Is Ashton here? I love that guy!"

"I hate that guy," Oscar says darkly.

"No one's being punished," Jared says again, "and no one's being punk'd. Gary and Becky are..." Jared pauses to clear his throat, "professionals, and I expect y'all to treat them as such."

"Uh..." Jeff scratches at the ever present stubble on his chin, looks at his fellow victims, and shrugs. "Okay?"

While the male members of the team look bewildered, but complacent - for now - Zoe looks positively mutinous.

"No," she says putting her hands on her hips. "This sounds stupid. And ridiculous. Stupidly ridiculous. I'm not doing it."

"Oh, too bad," Idris says, "since it sounds like it's mandatory. Guess you'll just have to quit then." He mimes wiping a tear from his eye.

"Idris, stuff it," Jeff says. "Zoe, if this is mandatory..." He looks at Jared. Jared nods. "Super. It's mandatory. You're doing it."

"Is Jensen doing it?" Zoe asks.

Jensen snorts again. "Of course I'm not doing it."

"Are you sure about that?" Gary asks, injecting himself into the conversation with yet another wide grin. "I can't help but get the impression you're not much of a team player. These exercises could be extremely beneficial towards your placement in the company."

"Extremely beneficial," Becky chimes in.

"Yeah," Jensen says, "I doubt that." Jensen reaches up and drapes an arm across Jared's shoulders. "I'm fucking the boss; my placement's pretty much set."

Gary blinks. Becky looks disturbingly intrigued. "Oh. Well. Okay," Gary says. "That's... Hey, who wants to juggle some balloons?!"

_____________

"This is so odd," Becky says, looking forlornly at the empty balloon package. "We've never had all of them pop before. And all around a single person, to boot." She looks up at Idris. "You wouldn't happen to have anything sharp on you, would you?"

Idris gives her a shark's grin. Jared slaps a hand to his forehead.

_____________

"I'm seriously not comfortable with this," Columbus says. "And I don't know what's poking me but it better be a finger!"

"Whoops," Chris says. "Sorry, dude; I thought you were Oscar." What Jared can see of Chris' face turns bright red. "Uh, and I was definitely using a finger! It's a finger. 'Cause I wouldn't... I mean I was just... I was just trying to be annoying."

"Trying to?" Jeff mutters.

"Congratulations," Zoe says, "you succeeded."

"I hate you all," Idris says.

Oscar doesn't say anything, but Jared's pretty sure he's silently judging everyone.

Jared looks from the five burly men and one petite, but devastatingly lethal, woman forced to press together on a small tarp in the middle of the yard to the still grinning faces of Gary and Becky. "And, uh, what exactly is this exercise supposed to promote?"

"Communication, cooperation, patience and problem solving strategy!" Gary says.

"Not to mention giving them a chance to get comfortable with their physical selves and how their physical selves react to others' physical selves." Becky says.

"Uh huh." Jared looks back to the security team. "I think their physical selves are doing just fine." Though Jared's not certain for how much longer since he's pretty sure that's murder he's seeing in Idris' eyes. "Maybe they should move onto something else."

Gary frowns. "Really? I was just about to make the tarp smaller."

"No!" Jared clears his throat. "I mean, no, that's not... Do you have any other games? Games are fun."

"Mr. Padalecki," Becky says, putting on a serious face, "we are professionals. We have been trained to handle all kinds of employees, and all kinds of employee-related problems. I think we know when it's time to stop a certain scenario."

"In your professional opinion then," Jensen says, "should that be before or after Idris chokes the stuffing out of Jeff?"

Jared looks back to the tarp and finds that, yes, Idris does have his hands around Jeff's throat. Jared also sees that none of the other team members are trying to assist either of them. But... "At least they're all still on the tarp."

Gary's jaw drops. "Oh, my... New game!"

_____________

Jared has a hand over his eyes and is watching through his fingers as the team is forced to play something that involves working together to move around stepping stones for the benefit of mankind, and puppies, and some other shit. Jared's not exactly sure what the official spiel is - he stopped listening to Gary and Becky a while ago. And he's kind of accepted that Jensen is definitely going to get to say 'I told you so' because this is not working. The exercises and games that Jared was assured - through a very professional looking website - would promote teamwork and togetherness are doing nothing but driving everyone further apart.

Jared's just thinking about heading inside to find some Tylenol when he hears a crunching sound. He turns towards the noise. When his pounding head processes what he's seeing he fixes Jensen with the meanest glare he can rustle up. "Are you serious?"

"What?" Jensen asks, looking impressively guileless.

"Popcorn? You're eating popcorn?"

Jensen shrugs. "Hey, this shit is entertaining."

Jared has to consciously relax his jaw to keep his molars from grinding together. "Not. Helping. Jensen."

"Was I supposed to?" Jensen asks before crunching a few more kernels. He then holds his long, butter-covered fingers up and slowly, one by one, licks them clean.

Jared feels every single bit of his animosity drain away. "You suck," he says weakly.

Jensen's grin is pure sin. "Not yet, but I will later." His eyes flit to something beyond Jared's shoulder. "Looks like the kids are tusslin' again."

Jared doesn't even bother to turn around. "Idris! Jeff! Knock it the fuck off, now!"

Jensen's smile goes from just wicked to wickedly amused. "Such a good dad."

"Shut up."

_____________

It's not that Jared isn't willing to admit when he's wrong about something, it's... Well, no, it's exactly like that. He had figured that the team building exercises would be lame, but he thought they would be the fun kind of lame. The kind of lame that everybody could laugh about and snark over. The kind of lame that would bring everyone closer together. Instead, the team dynamic that Jared so loved has disintegrated even further over the course of the day. The security team's now either not talking to each other, communicating through sarcasm alone - Chris' face after Oscar snapped at him for something would be haunting Jared's dreams for a long time to come - or, literally, at each others throats.

And Jensen's snide asides and overall smugness is so not helping things.

Jared can feel something building in his chest. It's dark, and heavy, and clawing its way up his throat to the back of his mouth and then over his tongue before it explodes out of him in one loud, long bellow. "GOD-FUCKING-DAMMIT!"

Jared takes a second to bask in the surprised and wide-eyed expressions that are left in the wake of his outburst. He doesn't yell often, but when he does, he gets fucking results.

"No more sniping," Jared says as he stalks towards his team. "No more complaining. No more choking." He stops a few feet away from them, and he makes sure his shoulders are back, his head is held high, and there's the slightest hint of mayhem in his eyes. "Unless one of you wants to fight me to the death and take over, I am still the head of this organization, and if I say everyone's going to build a bridge out of newspaper, then everyone's going to build a goddamn bridge out of motherfucking newspaper, are we clear?!"

There are slight nods all around, even from Zoe, who's now looking at Jared with the kind of respect she usually reserves for Jensen.

"Good," Jared says. "Now, why the hell are we building a bridge out of newspaper?" He turns slightly to glare at Gary.

Gary gulps. "Uh, well, it uh, it promotes communication and creative problem solving."

"Somehow I doubt that, Gary," Jared says. "And, in all honesty, when my guys need to get creative about problem solving they're not looking to build things; they're usually looking to blow shit up." Jared steps up to Gary and Becky and holds out his hand. "I appreciate you coming over, but this has sucked, and if you tell anyone anything that you saw or heard here, I'll hunt you down and kill you myself."

"Yessir," Gary says.

"Understood," Becky says.

"Good. Now, git." Jared watches them scurry off around the house. He then takes a deep breath and steels himself before turning back around. "That didn't turn out like I thought it would."

Jeff sighs. "Dare I ask?"

Jared scratches his head, and shuffles his feet, and looks to Jensen who gives him an encouraging grin and a double thumbs up. Right. Jared can totally do this. "I know there's been some tension between all of you guys lately, especially with adding someone new to the fold," Jared says. "And I thought that doing this kind of stuff would help you guys connect, and reconnect, and come out stronger, and whatever."

"What the hell are you talking about," Jeff asks. "There hasn't been any tension."

The five other members of the security team roll their eyes and snort. In unison.

"Jeez," Jared says, why can't you guys have that kind of cohesiveness in the field?"

Jeff looks startled. "Wait, what? You guys.. You guys aren't happy?"

"It's not that we're not happy," Chris says, obviously hedging.

"I'm not happy," Oscar mutters.

"It's just that we're not..." Columbus looks at his teammate's faces. He shrugs. "We're not as good as we used to be."

Jeff looks startled.

"I'm not blaming any one person," Jared says carefully.

"I am," Idris says, cutting in. He points at Jensen. "This is all your fault."

"How exactly is your inability to cope with change my fault?" Jensen asks coolly.

"If you had just killed her," Idris says pointing at Zoe, "like you were supposed to, like you said you were going to, then we wouldn't be having these troubles now, would we?"

"He has a point," Columbus says. He looks at Zoe. "No offense."

"None taken," Zoe says. "Though it's obvious why he didn't kill me; he knows how much you guys suck."

"No, they don't," Jared says firmly. He studies the proud, stubborn, and slightly cuckoo woman in front of him. "Zoe, I get it. Jensen told me what happened with your last crew." Her eyes drop. "They crapped out on you. They left you. That must have been horrible. But it's not gonna happen here."

Zoe rolls her eyes and makes a scoffing sound.

"It's not," Jared insists. "I think of you guys as family. Hell, I think of everybody in my organization as family. From brothers and sisters, to uncles, to the creepy cousins that spend all their time in the basement."

Chris scrunches up his face. "Who-"

"Pretty sure he's talking about the IT peeps," Columbus says.

"Oh. Yeah, they are creepy."

"You set up a pretty elaborate way to get our attention," Jared says, "and you've got a chance with us, Zoe. Take it, or get out, but no more half-assing. If you want to be part of our team, you're gonna have to start acting like a teammate, understand?" Zoe nods at him. It's a tiny, almost imperceptible nod, but it's a nod, and Jared'll take it. "Now, Idris, why don't you tell Jeff why you've tried to crush his trachea several times today."

Idris' eyes get wide, then narrow as a scowl settles on his face. "I don't want to." He glares at Jeff. "Besides, he already knows."

"I know you're being an idiot," Jeff says.

"Oh, yeah," Chris mutters, "that's helpful."

"I'm being an idiot?!"

"Yeah, Idris, you are."

"Oh, that's rich coming from a guy tarting it up with a girl young enough to be his-"

"I am only twelve years older than she is," Jeff says quickly. "Twelve. And, also, it's none of your business."

"It's most certainly my business if she plans on taking my best friend and stomping all over his poor, old, grizzled heart."

"Old and grizz... I'm forty five!"

"Time out!" Jared says. "Idris, you're worried that Zoe's gonna break Jeff's heart?"

"I'm worried that she's playing him," Idris says, "and that the fool is too besotted to realize it."

"She's not playing me," Jeff says angrily. "Zoe, are you playing me?"

Zoe blinks a few times. "Um... No?" She offers Jeff a weak smile.

Jeff's face falls. "What? You-"

"I might have started out, you know, doing that," Zoe says, "'cause you were all 'hey, baby', and kind of skeevy-"

"I am not skeevy!" Jeff says, scandalized.

"Oh, Jeff," Jensen says, "you can be. Trust me. Or do I have to remind you of some of the things you used to say to me before-"

"No!" Jeff yelps. He casts a quick look toward Jared. "No reminding necessary. I'm skeevy. Carry on."

"Anyway," Zoe says, "I thought I could play with you a little bit, and then, you know, rip your heart out with my teeth and take over as head of the security team."

"Zoe," Jensen admonishes, raising his voice so it carries over the grumbles of discord from the other members of the team. "What did I tell you about trying to eat your own? We're not sharks in the womb here. Jesus."

Zoe grimaces. "Yeah, I know, I know," she says. "It's just, looking out for number one is a hard habit to break. And I probably wouldn't have actually followed through with it." She looks at Jeff and somehow transforms her usually hardened eyes into something kind of doe-like. "Especially since one you stopped trying so hard you kind of became this giant, fuzzy teddy bear, and I started, you know, actually liking you."

Jeff stares at her.

She shrugs. "My bad?"

Jeff opens and closes his mouth a few times before finally saying, "Did you really have to call me a teddy bear in front of the guys?"

"A fuzzy teddy bear," Chris says.

"A giant, fuzzy teddy bear," Columbus adds.

Jeff puts a hand to his forehead. "Wonderful."

"Okay," Jared says, "just so we're clear; Zoe, you don't want to rip Jeff's heart out now, correct?"

"No," Zoe says, "I like his heart where it is."

"And, Idris, can you accept the fact that Zoe and Jeff are together?." Jared asks.

Idris scowls. "I still think it's bloody stupid."

"Noted," Jared says. "And can everyone - Zoe and Idris - try and get along. Or at least fake it enough so I won't worry and spend a boat-load of cash on completely useless consultants, or put Prozac in the house's filtration system, or something."

Chris grins. "I think we can do that, boss."

"Great!" Jared says. "'Cause, you know, you guys aren't just my employees, or my protection detail; you're my family - the only family I have. Or, well, the only family I have who's willing to speak to me, and I will do anything in my considerable power to keep everyone together." Jared is pleased to see soft expressions and pleased smiles on everyone's faces. Jensen winks at him. "Hey, I guess, in a way, this whole team-building thing worked."

"Oh, I wouldn't go that far," Columbus says. "And we definitely never, ever have to do this again. Ever."

Oscar nods so hard he almost tips his hat off.

"Oh, come on," Jared says, his tone dangerously close to wheedling, "are you guys saying you didn't have any fun at all?"

"I had fun thinking of all the horrible things I could do to Gary," Zoe says.

"Maybe we should make this a regular thing." It takes all that Jared has to not burst out laughing at the matching expressions of horror everyone suddenly develops. "Not with Gary and Becky," he says quickly, "but, maybe, once a month, we have a kind of family game night?"

"Like the most dangerous game?" Idris asks. "I could get behind that."

"I kill at Monopoly," Jensen says.

"Beer Pong!" Chris flushes as everyone turns to stare at him. "What? I'm from Boston, okay?"

Jared fondly shakes his head and smiles as some of the closest people to him in this world start to squabble and tease each other. He raises his arm and Jensen sidles close and fits himself against Jared's body. Jared gives him a squeeze.

"Go ahead," he says. "Say it."

Jensen hums thoughtfully, then says, "Okay. You were right."

"Yeah, I know you-" Jared blinks a few times then twists and tries to look at Jensen's face. "Wait, what?"

Jensen pokes Jared in the ribs. "I ain't saying it a third time, Padalecki, so listen up. Turns out getting things out in the open was the right call. So, you were, oddly enough, right. This time." He shrugs. "It had to happen eventually."

"Oh." Jared beams. "I was right. I was riiiiiight. I was-"

Jensen pokes him again. "Don't get cocky."

"You love it when I get cocky."

"Not in front of the kids, sweetheart. Not in front of the kids."

_____________

Under normal circumstances, Jared knows that if he ever found Jensen snuggled up and sleeping beside another man there would be tears, and threats, and accusations, and more tears, and finally begging - and all of that would just be from Jared himself.

However, considering that the man Jensen is cuddled up to is Idris, and Chris is plastered to Idris' other side, and they're both leaving sizable drool puddles on Idris' shirt, and all three of them have somehow wedged themselves between the coffee table and the couch, the only reaction Jared has is to reach for his iPhone.

"God bless competitive natures and Beer Pong," Jared whispers as he snaps a picture of the trio.

There's the soft sound of a throat being subtly cleared and Jared looks to his left. Oscar's in one of the armchairs and is blearily peering at him from under the brim of his hat.

"I want a copy," Oscar says roughly. He then pulls his hat down further over his eyes and nestles deeper into the cushions.

Jared grins and complies. He eases out of the living room and starts down the hall towards his office, stopping along the way to peek into the dining room. Columbus and Zoe are face down on the table. Various bottles and sticky shot glasses surround their heads. Jared creeps close enough to check for signs of respiration, then he backs out again.

Jared's making a mental note to check their painkiller supplies when he rounds the corner and comes face to face with a rather ashen looking Jeff.

"You're looking chipper," Jeff says with a ghost of a grin.

"Somebody needed to be the designated adult last night," Jared says. "Besides, you would not believe the amount of blackmail material staying sober can net you." Jared pats the pocket containing his phone. "What about you," he says. "You only look partially dead."

"Thanks," Jeff says wryly. He runs a hand over his beard and sighs. "I guess it's good for a man my age to know when to cut himself off."

"Aw, Jeff, I-"

"No," Jeff says, holding up one hand. "I acted like a fool, Jay. Like an old fool. Thinking a pretty, young thing like that would be interested in me without any ulterior motives..." Jeff shakes his head.

"Ugh, I can't believe I'm gonna say this." Jared crosses his arms over his chest and tries to look stern. "Jeff, you are... God, help me... hot, okay?" Jared grimaces and shudders a bit. "You are still a very attractive man, and you really work the whole rugged look, and you usually smell nice, and since you're kind of like a dad to me, now I feel really inappropriate and kind of dirty. Happy?"

"Uncomfortable, actually."

"Well, good. That makes two of us," Jared says. "And, for the record, Zoe is not a pretty, young thing, Jeff. She's a cold-blooded killer; of course she's gonna have ulterior motives. But hey, you won her over, you giant, fuzzy teddy bear, you." Jared punches Jeff in the shoulder and grins at the look of utter desolation on the older man's face.

"That's not going to go away any time soon, is it?"

"Probably not," Jared says cheerfully.

"Great. And because you seem way too full of yourself, I am happy to tell you that one of the creepy cousins is waiting in your office."

"Uh."

"Wheaton," Jeff says. "And he doesn't look happy. Godspeed." Jeff snaps off a salute, then sidesteps Jared and walks off down the hallway. "Remember, we're all family."

"Oh, shut up," Jared says. He looks towards his closed office door with no small amount of trepidation. Then, deciding that there was no point delaying the inevitable, he squares his shoulders and goes inside.

"Wil!" Jared says, plastering on a fake smile. "Hey, man. How have you been? I love the Boba Fett shirt."

"Now's not the time to fawn over my swag, Jared," Wheaton says harshly. "We have a problem."

"No, no we don't," Jared says. "We had a problem, and I fixed it - because I am awesome - and now there are no more problems. At least for a day or two."

"O-kay," Wil says, drawing out the word. "So, if we have no problems, then I guess I just imagined having to postpone a marathon of C-O-D last night to fight off a hacking attempt."

"A hacking attempt?" Jared feels his heart momentarily seize up at the thought of how much information could be gleaned by someone looking in the wrong place. "Do you know who it was? Did they get anything?"

"Of course they didn't get anything," Wheaton says with a sniff. "I am the pinnacle of amazingness. I shut them down, and I shut them down hard." Wheaton smirks for a moment, then his expression turns troubled. "However..."

"However?"

Wheaton frowns. "Whoever it was, he or she was pretty good. Not great, like me, but not your standard drone, either. We got hit by a pro last night."

"Can you find them?" Jared asks. "Backtrack, or whatever, into their own system?"

"I've already asked Felicia from R&D to look over the logs to see if there's anything we can use. But, like I said, he or she was good."

Jared nods and claps Wheaton on the shoulder hard enough to make the smaller man stumble. "Nice work," he says. "Stay on top of things. Constant vigilance!"

Wheaton blinks at him. "Did you just Mad-Eye Moody me?"

"Uh... No. Let me walk you out." Jared puts a companionable arm around Wheaton's shoulders and steers him out of the office and towards the front door. "You know, I've been thinking about getting a new tablet..." Jared's gratified when he's suddenly inundated by a barrage of techno-babble. If there's a troubled expression on his face, he'd much rather Wil think it was due to an overload of geek-speak and not actual concern over the previous night's attack.

Not that Jared's worried per say - dealing with potential takedowns and takeovers is kind of par for the course when you're in his line of work - but there is a little uneasiness in the back of his mind. Jared's used to being hit head-on in extravagant and flashy ways by competitors who don't try and hide their identity or intentions. But a ghost attack, combined with Jensen's comments from a few weeks ago about possibly drawing unwanted attention and new players in town, has the definite potential to be disconcerting.

Whatever. Jared firmly decides he's not going to stress about it. He's surrounded by good people. Great people. The best people. He knows his family can weather any storm and come out the other side stronger.

"You know I love you guys, right?" Jared asks. He gives Wil's shoulders a little squeeze and ignores the panicked look he gets in return.

Wide-eyed, Wil opens his mouth, but before he gets a chance to respond, Idris' voice drifts out to them from the living room.

"What the bloody, fucking hell. Why is my shirt w... Oh, you two are disgusting!"

Jared grins. Yeah, they'll be just fine.

_____________

end

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This series is the BEST THING EVER IN THE HISTORY OF BEST THINGS. I beamed the entire time I read this. And now I'm going back to read the WHOLE THING AGAIN, just because I need the feeling of delight to last.

BEST THING. HISTORY. BEST THINGS.

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Killer Romance Fic: Of Human Bonding 1/1 J2AU

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