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saoneTitle: The Security Team is Not a Lending Library
Series: Killer Romance aka The Adventures of crimeboss!Jared and ex-assassin!Jensen
Author:![[livejournal.com profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/external/lj-userinfo.gif)
saone77
Summary: AU. Just because you're paranoid doesn't mean that there isn't a sniper watching you from the shadows.
Characters: J2 and a couple of Losers
Rating: PG-13
Warnings: Not betad, grammarians beware.
Word Count: 1639
Disclaimer: This is indulgent, cracktastic fiction.
Notes: Yes, the new characters in this fic are exactly who you think they are. More crossover/fusion-type stuff FTW!
By the time Jared's washed his face, and brushed his teeth, and triple checked the lock on the bedroom door, Jensen's already in bed. If it was any other night, Jared would be crawling across their comforter, and plucking Jensen's book out of his hands, and sliding Jensen's glasses off his cute, little nose, and then making with the sexy times. Even though they've been together for like five years now, Jared's still ridiculously smitten with his super hot, ex-assassin boyfriend.
But tonight is not like most nights. Tonight, Jared feels the weight of a talk weighing down on him.
"Jen," Jared says softly. He settles himself at the foot of their bed. "Jen," he says again, lightly letting one of his hands rest on one of Jensen's blanket-covered ankles.
"Yeah, yeah," Jensen says, his eyes still focused on his book, "let me just finish this chapter, okay? Oh, but if you don't mind, let's skip the foreplay and get right to the fucking; I've got to get up early in the morning."
For a moment Jared wonders where the thrill is and when it vacated the general premises. "Jen, could you just stop for a minute?"
"I've got, like, three more pages, Jay. Hold your horses."
Jared sighs and reaches out, placing one of his giant paws smack dab in the middle of Jensen's page. The scowl he receives for this action nearly has him quaking, but he doesn't back down.
"We need to talk, Jensen," Jared says, putting as much seriousness into his voice and expression as he can.
Jensen's brow furrows. "Are you okay?" Jensen asks. "Are we okay?"
"Of course we're okay," Jared says with a fond smile. As if he'd ever break-up with Jensen; he doesn't have a death wish, for God's sake. "But I'm..." Jared shakes his head, losing whatever nerve he might have built up to have this conversation.
Jensen grabs both of Jared's hands and holds them tight enough to hurt. "You're what?! What's wrong?! Have you been to a doctor? Do you need to see a doctor?"
Jared huffs out a tiny laugh. "Dude, you sound like me. Ow, okay, OW! Watch the fingers!" Jared pulls his hands from Jensen's grasp and shakes them out.
"What's wrong, Jared?" Jensen asks again, his voice just as steely as his grip.
"I think..." Jared takes a deep breath. "I think I might be cracking up."
Jensen stares at him for a few long moments, then he goes back to his book. "Oh, is that all?"
"What do you mean, is that all?" Jared asks with a sputter. "Jen, I think, I think I might be losing it. Seriously."
Jensen looks back up and raises his left eyebrow a fraction of an inch. "Jay, I hate to break it to you, but you've never exactly been the picture of mental health." Jensen shrugs. "I mean, neither am I, so glass houses and all that."
"Yeah, okay, fine," Jared concedes. "But, there's being a sociopath and then there's being a sociopath with paranoid delusions, which, you know, I'm pretty sure is a step down the specialized drug cocktail ladder."
Jensen frowns. "Delusions?"
"Paranoid delusions."
"Okay," Jensen says, "I'm probably going to regret this but, what kind of paranoid delusions? Is an inanimate object telling you to kill everyone in the house? Because, if so, I think we might need to break out the restraints. And not the fun restraints, the real restraints."
"What? No," Jared says, "it's nothing like that. I just... I can't shake the feeling that I'm being watched, almost constantly."
Jensen does the staring thing again, then he snorts. "Really? That's what you're upset about?"
"Yes!" Jared says, offended by Jensen's obviously cavalier attitude. "Are you... Are you laughing?! How can you laugh about this?!"
"Because you are being watched, Jared," Jensen says, snickering.
"I... What?" Jared just barely resists the urge to check over his shoulder. "Who? Why? What?"
"Oscar's been skulking around you for the past two weeks," Jensen says. "You really haven't noticed?"
"Oscar?" Jared's more than a little flabbergasted. "Why is one of my own security team trying to gaslight me? And why are you apparently okay with it?"
The eyebrow hitches up another few notches. "Seriously, Jay? What happened two weeks ago?"
Jared draws his bottom lip into his mouth as he casts his mind back. Two weeks... Two weeks...
Jensen sighs. "I'll give you a hint; it involves loaning someone out to another organization."
Jared's eyes widen. "This is all about Chris?!"
"Ding, ding, ding, ding."
"But... Why is Oscar... I didn't force Chris to go, Jensen," Jared says. "I asked if he wanted to shadow Jackson's crew for a little bit - in the spirit of inter-criminal-organization cooperation, or whatever - and he said yes. And you've talked to him the times he's called home; he sounds like he's having a blast, like he's at summer camp or something."
"True," Jensen says. "But, in a way, knowing he's having so much fun is kind of worse for the people left behind, don't you think?"
"Left behind? It's not like Chris moved to another country," Jared says. "He's gonna be back at the beginning of the month."
Jensen makes a non-committal noise. "Just out of curiosity, what would you have thought if I had said I wanted to be the one shadowing Jackson's crew for a few weeks?"
Jared crosses his arms over his chest. "Well that just wouldn't have happened."
The Eyebrow reaches its apex.
"Unless you had really wanted to go, and then you would have had my full support." Jared smiles tremulously.
Jensen shakes his head. "Oscar's not happy, and he's just been showing his displeasure with the situation in the best non-firearm way he knows how."
"By trying to slowly drive me crazy?"
"I would say he's aiming for mild freakout instead of complete bonkers, but who knows."
"Yeah." Jared maneuvers himself around until he's sitting beside Jensen. He leans back against the headboard and sighs. "Maybe I should call Sam tomorrow and see if I can get Chris back a little early."
"Oscar will be pleased, but Chris will probably be pissed."
"I'd rather deal with Chris' pouty face than deal with Oscar hiding in the shadows," Jared says. He lowers his voice. "He kind of scares me."
"Actually," Jensen says, "I think he's been hiding in the ceiling."
"Well, that makes everything loads better." Jared clears his throat. "He's up there now, isn't he?"
Jared hears two thumps from the area directly above their bed. Now that he's looking, he can clearly see a freshly drilled spy hole and one brown eye peering down at them.
Jared lets out a tiny gurgle and pulls the covers over his head.
"So, I guess that's a no on the sex, then," Jensen says.
Jared whimpers.
_____________
Jared twitches and fidgets, and when he finally can't stand it anymore, he checks his watch again. He barely registers the time - three minutes later than the last time he looked - before a finger is none-too-gently flicking his ear.
"I told you to stop that," Jensen says, his voice deceptively mild.
"I know, I know," Jared says, cringing. "But they were supposed to be here, and-"
"I'm sure they're fine."
"They're not here, and-"
"There was probably some traffic."
"I can just feel Oscar lurking. He's... He's... lurking." Jared scans his surroundings again, turning a full 360 degrees twice before Jensen grasps his arm.
"You're gonna make yourself dizzy," he says.
"Good," Jared says. "Maybe I can pass out, and when I wake up this will all be over."
Jensen pats Jared's arm. "No passing out," he says. "Now, what have we learned from this experience?"
"Never lend Chris out again, unless I lend Oscar out with him." Jared gets a smile and another couple of arm pats.
Before Jared can check his watch or look for Oscar again, the rumbling purr of an engine reaches his ears. "Oh, thank Christ," he says as he watches Jeff's SUV come up the drive. It comes to a stop in front of Jared and Jensen, and the driver's side window rolls down.
"Sorry we're late," Jeff says with a grin. "Somebody wanted to stop for ice cream."
"Oh, my God, you guys!" Chris practically bounces around the SUV and envelops first Jensen, then Jared into huge hugs. "That was sooooo cool! Seriously, we have got to work with those people. Soon. I mean, soon, soon. They were really nice, and fun. Oooh, ooh, guys, they had robots! Like, real robots, and all their day to day stuff is handled by an AI, and, and..."
Jared lets Chris' excited babble wash over him, and he abruptly realizes that Oscar wasn't the only one missing Chris these last few weeks.
Speaking of...
"Hey, Chris."
Oscar's voice comes from right behind Jared's left shoulder. Jared doesn't jump, or yell, but he does wheeze a bit and clutch at his chest.
Chris lets out a happy squeak and launches himself at Oscar. He gloms onto him, and Oscar gloms back.
"Missed you," Chris says softly, his voice muffled by Oscar's hat.
Jensen lets out a little cough and tugs on Jared's sleeve. "I think we should-"
"Yeah," Jared says, "definitely." He wraps an arm around Jensen's shoulders, pulls him in tight, and leans down slightly to press a kiss into soft, spikey hair. As they leave, Jared can hear Chris' happy chatter start up again.
"So, there were robots, right! Oh, and I think I may have met someone scarier than Zoe. Seriously. And there was a guy who likes to only use hammers when he fights - you'd think he'd be scary, but he was actually kind of sweet. Oh, oh, and have you ever thought about switching out your rifle for a bow and arrow?"
_____________
end
Series: Killer Romance aka The Adventures of crimeboss!Jared and ex-assassin!Jensen
Author:
saone77Summary: AU. Just because you're paranoid doesn't mean that there isn't a sniper watching you from the shadows.
Characters: J2 and a couple of Losers
Rating: PG-13
Warnings: Not betad, grammarians beware.
Word Count: 1639
Disclaimer: This is indulgent, cracktastic fiction.
Notes: Yes, the new characters in this fic are exactly who you think they are. More crossover/fusion-type stuff FTW!
By the time Jared's washed his face, and brushed his teeth, and triple checked the lock on the bedroom door, Jensen's already in bed. If it was any other night, Jared would be crawling across their comforter, and plucking Jensen's book out of his hands, and sliding Jensen's glasses off his cute, little nose, and then making with the sexy times. Even though they've been together for like five years now, Jared's still ridiculously smitten with his super hot, ex-assassin boyfriend.
But tonight is not like most nights. Tonight, Jared feels the weight of a talk weighing down on him.
"Jen," Jared says softly. He settles himself at the foot of their bed. "Jen," he says again, lightly letting one of his hands rest on one of Jensen's blanket-covered ankles.
"Yeah, yeah," Jensen says, his eyes still focused on his book, "let me just finish this chapter, okay? Oh, but if you don't mind, let's skip the foreplay and get right to the fucking; I've got to get up early in the morning."
For a moment Jared wonders where the thrill is and when it vacated the general premises. "Jen, could you just stop for a minute?"
"I've got, like, three more pages, Jay. Hold your horses."
Jared sighs and reaches out, placing one of his giant paws smack dab in the middle of Jensen's page. The scowl he receives for this action nearly has him quaking, but he doesn't back down.
"We need to talk, Jensen," Jared says, putting as much seriousness into his voice and expression as he can.
Jensen's brow furrows. "Are you okay?" Jensen asks. "Are we okay?"
"Of course we're okay," Jared says with a fond smile. As if he'd ever break-up with Jensen; he doesn't have a death wish, for God's sake. "But I'm..." Jared shakes his head, losing whatever nerve he might have built up to have this conversation.
Jensen grabs both of Jared's hands and holds them tight enough to hurt. "You're what?! What's wrong?! Have you been to a doctor? Do you need to see a doctor?"
Jared huffs out a tiny laugh. "Dude, you sound like me. Ow, okay, OW! Watch the fingers!" Jared pulls his hands from Jensen's grasp and shakes them out.
"What's wrong, Jared?" Jensen asks again, his voice just as steely as his grip.
"I think..." Jared takes a deep breath. "I think I might be cracking up."
Jensen stares at him for a few long moments, then he goes back to his book. "Oh, is that all?"
"What do you mean, is that all?" Jared asks with a sputter. "Jen, I think, I think I might be losing it. Seriously."
Jensen looks back up and raises his left eyebrow a fraction of an inch. "Jay, I hate to break it to you, but you've never exactly been the picture of mental health." Jensen shrugs. "I mean, neither am I, so glass houses and all that."
"Yeah, okay, fine," Jared concedes. "But, there's being a sociopath and then there's being a sociopath with paranoid delusions, which, you know, I'm pretty sure is a step down the specialized drug cocktail ladder."
Jensen frowns. "Delusions?"
"Paranoid delusions."
"Okay," Jensen says, "I'm probably going to regret this but, what kind of paranoid delusions? Is an inanimate object telling you to kill everyone in the house? Because, if so, I think we might need to break out the restraints. And not the fun restraints, the real restraints."
"What? No," Jared says, "it's nothing like that. I just... I can't shake the feeling that I'm being watched, almost constantly."
Jensen does the staring thing again, then he snorts. "Really? That's what you're upset about?"
"Yes!" Jared says, offended by Jensen's obviously cavalier attitude. "Are you... Are you laughing?! How can you laugh about this?!"
"Because you are being watched, Jared," Jensen says, snickering.
"I... What?" Jared just barely resists the urge to check over his shoulder. "Who? Why? What?"
"Oscar's been skulking around you for the past two weeks," Jensen says. "You really haven't noticed?"
"Oscar?" Jared's more than a little flabbergasted. "Why is one of my own security team trying to gaslight me? And why are you apparently okay with it?"
The eyebrow hitches up another few notches. "Seriously, Jay? What happened two weeks ago?"
Jared draws his bottom lip into his mouth as he casts his mind back. Two weeks... Two weeks...
Jensen sighs. "I'll give you a hint; it involves loaning someone out to another organization."
Jared's eyes widen. "This is all about Chris?!"
"Ding, ding, ding, ding."
"But... Why is Oscar... I didn't force Chris to go, Jensen," Jared says. "I asked if he wanted to shadow Jackson's crew for a little bit - in the spirit of inter-criminal-organization cooperation, or whatever - and he said yes. And you've talked to him the times he's called home; he sounds like he's having a blast, like he's at summer camp or something."
"True," Jensen says. "But, in a way, knowing he's having so much fun is kind of worse for the people left behind, don't you think?"
"Left behind? It's not like Chris moved to another country," Jared says. "He's gonna be back at the beginning of the month."
Jensen makes a non-committal noise. "Just out of curiosity, what would you have thought if I had said I wanted to be the one shadowing Jackson's crew for a few weeks?"
Jared crosses his arms over his chest. "Well that just wouldn't have happened."
The Eyebrow reaches its apex.
"Unless you had really wanted to go, and then you would have had my full support." Jared smiles tremulously.
Jensen shakes his head. "Oscar's not happy, and he's just been showing his displeasure with the situation in the best non-firearm way he knows how."
"By trying to slowly drive me crazy?"
"I would say he's aiming for mild freakout instead of complete bonkers, but who knows."
"Yeah." Jared maneuvers himself around until he's sitting beside Jensen. He leans back against the headboard and sighs. "Maybe I should call Sam tomorrow and see if I can get Chris back a little early."
"Oscar will be pleased, but Chris will probably be pissed."
"I'd rather deal with Chris' pouty face than deal with Oscar hiding in the shadows," Jared says. He lowers his voice. "He kind of scares me."
"Actually," Jensen says, "I think he's been hiding in the ceiling."
"Well, that makes everything loads better." Jared clears his throat. "He's up there now, isn't he?"
Jared hears two thumps from the area directly above their bed. Now that he's looking, he can clearly see a freshly drilled spy hole and one brown eye peering down at them.
Jared lets out a tiny gurgle and pulls the covers over his head.
"So, I guess that's a no on the sex, then," Jensen says.
Jared whimpers.
_____________
Jared twitches and fidgets, and when he finally can't stand it anymore, he checks his watch again. He barely registers the time - three minutes later than the last time he looked - before a finger is none-too-gently flicking his ear.
"I told you to stop that," Jensen says, his voice deceptively mild.
"I know, I know," Jared says, cringing. "But they were supposed to be here, and-"
"I'm sure they're fine."
"They're not here, and-"
"There was probably some traffic."
"I can just feel Oscar lurking. He's... He's... lurking." Jared scans his surroundings again, turning a full 360 degrees twice before Jensen grasps his arm.
"You're gonna make yourself dizzy," he says.
"Good," Jared says. "Maybe I can pass out, and when I wake up this will all be over."
Jensen pats Jared's arm. "No passing out," he says. "Now, what have we learned from this experience?"
"Never lend Chris out again, unless I lend Oscar out with him." Jared gets a smile and another couple of arm pats.
Before Jared can check his watch or look for Oscar again, the rumbling purr of an engine reaches his ears. "Oh, thank Christ," he says as he watches Jeff's SUV come up the drive. It comes to a stop in front of Jared and Jensen, and the driver's side window rolls down.
"Sorry we're late," Jeff says with a grin. "Somebody wanted to stop for ice cream."
"Oh, my God, you guys!" Chris practically bounces around the SUV and envelops first Jensen, then Jared into huge hugs. "That was sooooo cool! Seriously, we have got to work with those people. Soon. I mean, soon, soon. They were really nice, and fun. Oooh, ooh, guys, they had robots! Like, real robots, and all their day to day stuff is handled by an AI, and, and..."
Jared lets Chris' excited babble wash over him, and he abruptly realizes that Oscar wasn't the only one missing Chris these last few weeks.
Speaking of...
"Hey, Chris."
Oscar's voice comes from right behind Jared's left shoulder. Jared doesn't jump, or yell, but he does wheeze a bit and clutch at his chest.
Chris lets out a happy squeak and launches himself at Oscar. He gloms onto him, and Oscar gloms back.
"Missed you," Chris says softly, his voice muffled by Oscar's hat.
Jensen lets out a little cough and tugs on Jared's sleeve. "I think we should-"
"Yeah," Jared says, "definitely." He wraps an arm around Jensen's shoulders, pulls him in tight, and leans down slightly to press a kiss into soft, spikey hair. As they leave, Jared can hear Chris' happy chatter start up again.
"So, there were robots, right! Oh, and I think I may have met someone scarier than Zoe. Seriously. And there was a guy who likes to only use hammers when he fights - you'd think he'd be scary, but he was actually kind of sweet. Oh, oh, and have you ever thought about switching out your rifle for a bow and arrow?"
_____________
end
![[identity profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/openid.png){kind=small}
no subject
Date: 2012-06-21 05:01 pm (UTC)I so immensely enjoy this series, it's... well, it's nearly ridiculous. I always did, but since I finally got to watch The Losers (I had to see what all the hype is about), I appreciate this even more.
Fun, and man, I'd NOT want to be lurked by Oscar. Seriously not!
no subject
Date: 2012-06-23 03:10 am (UTC)\o/ YES! Another convert to the snarky awesomeness of The Losers!
Fun, and man, I'd NOT want to be lurked by Oscar. Seriously not!
It's always the quiet ones... ;D